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posted by awesomeblossom1
Here's some of my fave "I wasnt that drunk" jokes hope tu like :)
"I wasn't that drunk"
"You saw a ginger girl eating blueberries and screamed 'No Foxface! Not the berries!'"
"You ran into Walmart and when tu heard someone talking on the intercom, tu fell to your knees and said, 'God has spoken!'"
"You grabbed my parakeet, threw it at my sisters piggy bank and yelled, 'ANGRY BIRDS!!!!!'"
"You told me to give tu a ride inicial and the part was at your house"
"You asked your girlfriend if she was single"
"You gave a midget a seta and yelled 'GROW MARIO GROW!!!'"
"You were cutting open pineapples...
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1. Don't EVER tell us to CALM DOWN when we're angry. We hate that, and it often makes the situation worse.
2. Don't act like tu know what you're talking about when tu don't. It just pisses us off.
3. Don't treat us badly and with disrespect.
4. Don't give us commands like we're some kind of dog. We're your equal and should be treated as such.
5. Sure, you're the guy, so tu can act like you're the stronger one... Whatever... But, don't EVER act like you're the head of the house. Relationships are to be an equal situation.
6. Don't yell at us when we do something wrong.
7. When tu screw up, don't...
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posted by Shelly_McShelly
Researchers in the UK examined más than 1000 jokes and placed them before 36,000 voters to determine the "official" 50 funniest jokes of all time.

And here they are:

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

49. A sello walks into a club...

48. Went to the corner comprar - bought 4 corners.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

46. I'll tell tu what I amor doing más than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45. I tried water polo...
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posted by milorox18
1. When tu get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”

2. When he asks why tu were speeding, tell him tu wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend tu are deaf.

4. If he asks if tu knew how fast tu were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……

5. Ask if tu can see his gun.

6. When he says tu aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why tu were speeding, tell him tu had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him por his first name.

11. Pretend tu are gay...
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posted by Mallory101
" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
If you're rich, I’m single!
0-60 in 15 minutes!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
100% Irony Free
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Baby on bored
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
Keep honking, I am reloading!
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
To All tu Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.


The fastest way to a fisherman's corazón is through his fly
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re...
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found this on the net:

18 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter (i.e. tu are going to fail the class completely no matter what tu get on the final exam)

1) Get the copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

2) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read preguntas aloud, debate your respuestas with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure tu can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3) Bring cheerleaders.

4) Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutos into it, loudly say to the...
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posted by slytherin360
Found this on the net:

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of tu just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your maletín o purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name etiquetas to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they...
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Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
I work for the IRS.
Have tu ever tried cat meat?
I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man siguiente to me!
I puked on the last person who flew siguiente to me.
My butt reeeally itches!
Would tu look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator....
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posted by KataraLover
As many of tu are aware, I absolutely ADORE Wicked and I'm so excited about the movie adaptation that is just taking FOREVER to be made, even before the pandemic came along. So, like many people, I just keep wanting them to make some casting announcements for the movie already and have been making my own fan-cast for the movie, even making a video of my fan-cast. However, I felt like taking the time to explain my casting choices so everyone knows why I made my choices. I will provide my fan-cast video at the end, so tu can hear the vocal capabilities. Please keep in mind that this is just...
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David Cage, the creator of many famous games of the reciente era. A man who is dicho to be one of the most creative minds in gaming right now. And yet, no matter who tu ask, there is only two opinions on this guy. There’s the people who like David Cage and then there are the people who don’t. And I’m one of the people who don’t. Welcome to an episode of Content Cuck. And this is the David Cage and Quantic Dream rant article. I’m here to discuss all the flaws of every Quantic Dream game, yes, all five of them, and talk about the flaws of David Cage, from the self centered behavior to...
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So, for no reason whatsoever I decided to make an little thing about how I think each of my favorito! characters would react to a “modern day” zombie apocalypse. I say modern because some of these characters are from past o fantasía time frames.

Regina Mills (Once Upon A Time): I can totally see her being that one person who keeps finding her way down shit creek—and naturally she doesn’t have a paddle either. Basically she’s the one who bad things keep happening to. For instance she’s the one who finds a stellar getaway car and it’s loaded with gas. But naturally, when she needs...
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It was the año 2009, a young couple of nobodies arrived on the scene and one of those nobodies was a man por the name of Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino. I knew when I first saw him that I WASN'T gonna like him and sure enough I didn't. He had a bad reputation from the moment they showed him and it just kept getting worse. Not only that but he's a selfish, self-centered, ego driven guy that cares to much about his abs then he does people. When he signed up for Dancing with the stars It made me hate him even más because he cared too much about his mostrar to even get in a día of training done. To add even más fuel to the fuego he SHOULD of been sent inicial first but u people saved him for basically no reason whatsoever.
1. mostly the people on here are jerks. I publicado a perfectly nice post and everyone just blew up at me. I mean, like, seriously guys? Probably at least 3 people with get mad about this article.

2. People think tu can say whatever they want. I mean, like, just because it's the misceláneo fan club doesn't mean tu won't get reported.

3. The preguntas aren't even questions. there just some thing like OMG! /THID IS SO TERABL! then tu click on it and they're like: O QK FUROMH TOHJY MPE!

4. If tu post something nobody sees it because then someone posts something like: CDAVKIBFRE HGTFES GHKHGY7DA and everyones like lol.
There are many reasons as to why cliques, stereotypes, and conformity are burdens in the socialite world. We, as humans, thrive on social interaction. So how come we create guidelines that prevent us from meeting new people?

Let's focus on the years that I consider to be a nesting post for the social monsters; the glorious teenage years. I've noticed that, before class in the morning, my grade hangs around the lower commons in the same, separated groups. The sophomores are usually over por the front office and the juniors and seniors are scattered about.

I prefer to hang out with my upperclassmen...
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To My Loving Husband Patrick.

People say we are not meant to be
People say you're not good for me
People say I'm too good for you
People say you're ugly
People say you're fat
I say screw tu to those people
I say you're the most perfect man I've ever known
I say you're my hopes and dreams
I say I amor you
tu say do tu mean it?
I say yes I do
I amor tu
más than anything in the world
tu amor me for who I am
Not for my looks o body
Just me
If tu never saved me from Devin
Who knows where I'd be now
He abused me; he raped me
tu found me and took me in
tu cared for me and treated me like...
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posted by Bananaaddict
This lista was emailed to me. I thought some of them were pretty clever, so I decided to post it. My favoritos are 3, 5, 22, and 23! Enjoy. :)

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round mesa, tabla was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much tu push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth...
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posted by Schnusch
What Is Fear Of Itching

The fear of itching is known as Acarophobia. This fear can also include a phobia about any insects that might cause itching in human beings.


Why Do People Fear Itching?

If tu have a phobia about itching, tu may harbor some memories of past infections o other problems that caused tu to feel terribly itchy and uncomfortable.

Prior experiences with itching can include things like headlice, scabies, and other such infestations. These conditions can be stubborn, embarrassing, and quite stressful. They are also extremely contagious.


Cleanliness May Become An Obsession

Hygiene...
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posted by x-menobsessed26
Bill Gates Goes to Heaven
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up por St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send tu to Heaven o Hell. After all, tu enormously helped society por putting a computer in almost every inicial in America, yet tu also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let tu decide where tu want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let tu visit both places briefly,...
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posted by Thecharliejay
1. If using a touch-tone, press misceláneo numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their preguntas with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition...
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Note: These have been all tried por me.
1) Go around saying "I'mma ninja" to misceláneo people and pose like a ninja

2) Throw palomitas de maiz, palomitas de maíz at misceláneo people and run away if caught

3) Go to the mall, clothes section, and ask the worker where the baby clothes is. Go to the bathroom. Come out and ask the same worker the same question.

4) Go up to person and say "Why were tu following me? Huh?". Then leave, hopefully, tu run. If they follow. turn around and say: "See? WHY do tu follow me?" Run off for good.

5) Knock on a persons door and ask "Do tu have gum? I need some for my little cousin..." Before they...
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