Ninja Pirates artículos | Original artículos on fanpop

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posted by Bdavisbrookeme

MEN'S GUIDE TO SELECTING THEIR CLOTHES

We all know that men are not quite as adept at fashion as women. In fact guys will pretty much wear anything, anytime, with anything. This creates the false impression that guys just "throw" any old thing on. This however is not the case. As this handy little guide points out, getting dressed is a highly complex and organized ritual for men.

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Dear Mr. Abby

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the siguiente best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If tu are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform...

2

Dear Redneck Son

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm escritura this slow because I know tu can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when tu left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send tu the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained...

4

Dictionary Of Dating

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom tu don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual...

6

You're An 80's Child If

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

You're an 80's child if...

You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.

You wanted to be on estrella Search. (Come on, we all did)

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

You wore a plátano clip o one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.

You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.

You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own camisa, camiseta at least once.

You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.

You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''

You can name at least half of the members of...

4

How They Have Sex

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge por the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it...

4

A Little Incident

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

There was a little "incident" at your house today while tu were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the cocina and checked everything out. por the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that tu have is the type that took a few minutos to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes...

4

Gender poesía

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, tu better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, o cottage cheese.
I don't perra to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east o west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutos max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when tu ask why get all amargo, amargos and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so...

4

Signs Of Maturity

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

1. Your house plants are alive, and tu can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin cama is out of the question.

3. tu keep más comida than cerveza in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when tu get up, not when tu go to bed.

5. tu hear your favorito! song on an elevator.

6. tu watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. tu go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids siguiente door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel...

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Signs Of Insanity

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone tu meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that tu wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends tu mail from Iowa asking why tu never write.

Every time tu see a calle sign, tu have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because tu heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your siguiente door neighbour for setting fuego to his...

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Signs He Loves tu

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her...

"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- tu will know. Sometimes the words, "I amor you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that tu can tell if he means what he says..."

-He pretends to like your cat por no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.

-When tu come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they mover the playboy centerfold to a...

5

Gender Designation

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Many romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether tu use "la" o "le" in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male o female, here are a few of our recommendations...

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR...

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Gamblers Revenge

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the camisa, camiseta off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the segundo half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If tu don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"...

5

seguro Sex

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

These days, seguro sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help tu "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores...

4

Dealing With Women

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Every woman knows that there are days in the mes when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker o significant other! Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help tu with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would tu like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are tu wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, tu sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine....

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Perfect Couple

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy navidad Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along...

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Chilli Cook-Off

posted by isabelle_905

YES, THIS TAKES A FEW minutos TO READ, BUT IT IS FUNNY!

If tu can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying por the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If tu pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of tu who have lived in Texas, tu know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an Inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from...

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Haters

posted by Bdavisbrookeme

Hater Poem

Should I get angry at their slanderous words

That smear mud across my page

Should I be hurt and believe for a moment

That they're some kind of wise sage

Should I perhaps lay aside my pen and paper

Like a child who’s parents scold

Should I strike back at this prose attacker

Rant and rave till my corazón grows cold

Should I perhaps forgive their shortcomings

Their so obvious lack of any class

Should I not mention their lack of courage

o that they just makes themselves look like a total ass

Should I send out messages proclaiming

That they're a childish word masturbator

No to me they're just not worth the time of day

We all know they're just another…

Hater!

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Rules for Men

posted by isabelle_905

From an email.

Rules for Men

1) Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten por his fellow partygoers.

2) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3) Unless he murdered someone in your family, tu must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4) If you've known a guy for más than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless tu actually marry her.

5) Complaining about the brand of free cerveza in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6) When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you...

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9 Words Women Use

posted by isabelle_905

More lovely emails!!
Guys, pay attention!
Ladies, I'm sure tu can all vouch for these!

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and tu need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutos is only five minutos if tu have just been dado five más minutos to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and tu should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission....