harry potter vs crepúsculo Article: Breaking apart

posted by bamagirl5899

okay so tell me what u think of this.

May pov

I was speeding down tha familier calle I wished my 2010 yellow camaro with black racing strips was faster. Though I about missed the calle to my old friend's house. I pulled up to a 3 story house. Alice ran out of the house to my car sometimes she was annoying. "Wat up little pixie?" I said. "Nothing much." was all she replyed she looked sad. "Wats wrong Alice?" I dicho not joking anymore."Well eveything is just falling apart and were going to this new school but were still living here it's just getting confusing." "Wat new school?" In truth I just got accepted to a new school they usually don't take 16 año old's o that was what alice was pretendind to be if she got in at my new school. "A school with a stupid name it's called Hogwarts how stupid is that name. Plus were going to be gone the whole año with no shopping and ur going to need a shopping spree." She dicho eyeing me clothes. I was wearing some blue jeans and a tanktop. "Wait u dicho hogwarts I got exceppted their to." "All of us got exceppted except Bella and reneesme. Oh and Edward,Emmet,and Jasper missed u and it was amusing to see them get beat up por a girl. Those were the good times." she said. and in truth those were my favorito! times evan though Edward liked me it was still fun to beat Emmet at arm wrestling."Well were going to all be togather now for a few years though if the three dumbo's are going I might not." I dicho laughing."Dont call my bf a dumbo." "Fine Edward and emmet are the dumbo's. We entered the house everyone was watching tv Bella gave me an icy stare I don't care what she thinks I wispered to alice. I knew she heard vamps ability's were sometimes amusing though evan though i was one.Me and alice have been friends since i was 11 and figured out their secret and they changed me at 17."Wat's up everyone." I said. they ignored me. "Fine c u guy's at Hogwarts." we were leaving tomarrow and the looks on their face was priceless

bamagirl5899 hope u like it if not i dont care my opinion matters not everyone ealses but still comment

bamagirl5899 oh and it will get better at hogwarts

bri-marie Having it in this really long paragraph format is kinda hard to read. I know that Fanpop isn't always happy to put articles in the format you want, which is why I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. However, it is something you should watch out for. Watch your punctuation and spelling! Do not use chat speak ('wat', 'u', 'c') unless the person who is doing the talking is [i]actually[/i] texting. It's irritating and, to be honest, makes you look lazy. So far, over all, the story isn't off to a bad start. we could use a little more information about your main character (i.e. how she knows the Cullens) and more visuals (i.e. what does May look like?).

Bellatrix-Black This is terribly written. It might have been a good story, but it's too much work to read. When you write, you want to make it easy to read, you don't want to force the reader to work. For example, I didn't know the speaker's name was May until bri-marie said so.

bamagirl5899 well read the last couple of sentences and u can see how she knows the culles.

bri-marie . . . Alright, looking over the large fact that Alice was in a mental institution for years, you now have the large problem that at the beginning of this (very small) chapter, you infer that your character is sixteen. At the end, you say she was changed into a vampire at seventeen. Which one is she? Mary-Sue alert.

bamagirl5899 listen dont be mean dont like it fine dont care i dont like people like u who r mean commenting on this

bri-marie How am I being mean?

DracoLuver Bri isn't being mean. It's called constructive criticism. You need to know the things your reader doesn't like so you can improve your writing. She's being very nice and straight-forward. Also, PLEASE don't call Hogwarts a "stupid" school. It's offending. Maybe, "I've never been there, but the name sounds stupid."

bamagirl5899 well u hp fans say offending stuff about twilight so why can't i say something about hog warts

1-2vampire Um, Bri isn't being mean. As DracoLuver said, it's called constructive criticism, say someone wrote a really terrible book, and everyone was like "yeah it's great, honest!" just to make them happy, it wouldn't end up good, because Simon Cowell-like publishers would be like "what the hell was that?" and they wouldn't be able to make it better. There are quite a few mistakes and confusing parts in there, like for instance I can't read the writing because of the "text talk." Besides, the world wouldn't be right if there was one book out there which hadn't had someone criticize it. You can't please everyone at the same time, so don't try.