When I was about 11, I was self-declared "Narnia crazy." I was also a wannabe writer- and I was pretty bad at it. Several of the stories I wrote were Narnia fanfiction, and none of them were any good o made any sense. I've decided to share the synopses of 4 of these fanfics (with excerpts of particularly cringey passages), because I thought it might provide some laughs. I've ordered them here from "best" (4) to worst (1).
4) The leona Cub Of Narnia
This is probably the best written out of all of them, but it still doesn't make much sense. It's about Aslan's daughter Azorah, who- get this- he had with a Narnian lioness. I know- it's kind of unacceptable. But anyway, she runs off to try and find her father, and the whole story is about her search. What doesn't make sense is that she actually ends up on the Dawn Treader, and even goes with the small party to Aslan's country at the end, which flatly contradicts what's canon. There are even 2 other lion cubs on board, which contradicts it even more. What's more, I was a moron and gave every single lion in the story a name starting with A.
Obviously, father and daughter are reunited at the end, and the mother Alasa also "appears" in Aslan's country.
I dicho it was the "best written" because most of the prose actually isn't atrocious. However, it isn't completely devoid of cringey passages. for instance:
"My mother," dicho Alsad. "Always prays to Aslan to protect me every night."
"My father," dicho Abra. "Sings songs about Aslan wherever he goes."
"My father," dicho Azorah. "Is named after him."
"Are tu sure," dicho Caspian. "That your father isn't Aslan himself? Because it's considered unlucky to be named after him."
This "bad luck" was never actually mentioned in any of the libros as far as I remember... correct me if I'm wrong.
Reepicheep stepped adelante, hacia adelante and bowed to Aslan, and Aslan, blushing, bowed to Reepicheep.
This, to me, is the worst. As if something like this would actually happen.
Azorah's parents collapsed in a big smoochy cuddle.
I know. Completely unacceptable.
3) The Narnian Seal
Seals were another one of my obsessions at that age, so I was basically just combining two of my obsessions in this one.
The story was about a sello with the stupidest name in the world- Sealy Lovely. He's the last sello in Narnia because the rest have died- which is stupid. He meets Emma, a new Narnian queen, and- get this- they fall in love. Seriously- imagine a girl falling in amor with a seal!
Their only barrier is that they think "the Narnians might not want a sello as a king." So they swim all the way to Aslan's country just to ask if they can get married- although I never actually refer to Aslan por name. I just call him "the Lion" the entire time.
One of the things that really annoys me is that, fairly early on in the story, Sealy Lovely insults Aslan, and Emma doesn't even seems to care. In fact, she seems to agree with him!
"Well, even if the Narnians don't mind, that Lion will," dicho Emma.
"Oh, that silly Lion," dicho Sealy Lovely. "He's very bossy."
Seriously- what self respecting Narnian would actually say that?
Then a faun cisne past with a buck and he dipped it in the water and shared it with them. They realised the water tasted sweet.
Yes, yes, we all know what sweet water means... but what a stupid way to reveal they were nearing their destination.
Possibly worst of all is how Aslan responds to their request. Of course, if this story made any sense, he would've dicho no, because, after all, he decreed that all kings and queens of Narnia be human! But instead, we get this unbearable amount of cringe:
The Lion dicho "I will let tu marry the sello if tu answer this pregunta correctly: What is the first letter of my name?"
Emma, who was only 10, thought it was best to go through the whole alphabet. "A," she said.
"Correct," dicho the Lion. "You may marry the sello today."
What Narnian would even have to "guess" in the first place?
2) A Narnian Problem
I made up several stories about Cecelia, my imaginary future daughter, and her adventures in Narnia, however, this was the only one I actually wrote down. Somehow Narnia still exists, and Lucy is not only still alive but still a young girl, even though this story is set in the future (I think this could be attributed to me interpreting the series ending quite differently from most people, but still it doesn't make much sense).
In this story, Cecelia is with 3 friends, one of which is Lucy. The other two are called Mary and Emily. A dryad arrives at their door and takes them to Narnia. They find out that Aslan has been captured por some people from our world (unrealistic much?) and they watch as his cage is put on the back of a truck and he's taken to a zoo. They go to the zoo, where he's been renamed "Goldie," and meet two young twins there. Aslan then reveals this was all a plan to get the two kids to save Narnia, and transports them all back there. This makes it slightly más realistic but it was still a stupid idea.
One day, Cecelia was hanging out in her room with Mary, Emily and Lucy. They were talking about Narnia. Suddenly, Cecelia's dad came in!
"There's someone standing at the door waiting for you!" dicho her dad. "She looks Narnian!"
"Narnian?" dicho Cecelia. "Come on, girls!" she dicho as she got up off her bed. She knew that a Narnian adventure was about to begin!
If referring to your friends as "girls," isn't cringey, I don't know what is...
"Well, that explains the new lion that's coming to the zoo," dicho Emily. "They have too many lions already."
"If they have too many lions," dicho Cecelia. "Why did they go to Narnia to look for more?"
"A zoo," mumbled the dryad. "Too many lions..."
Okay, "too many lions" is actually hilarious, but it's really not great writing.
Aslan woke up, but none of the other lions stirred, even when Aslan started pacing around the cage roaring loudly. One of his roars was not actually a roar, but the word Narnia.
"Narnia!" dicho the boy. "That's the book we read!"
"Yes!" dicho the girl. "Goldie's roar sounded so much like the word Narnia!"
Lucy came up to him. "He's not Goldie, he's Aslan," she said.
The twins unlocked the big oro door on the cage, and ran in, shouting: "Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan!"
I think the unnecessary repetition of "Aslan" was intended to mostrar that they were childish little kids, but now it just makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. And that's not even mentioning what else is wrong with the passage... for instance, how on Earth did they acquire a key?
4) In Narnia: Avocado Dream
This is por far the worst and possibly even the worst thing I've ever written. As the título suggests, it was directly inspired por a dream and takes the content of the dream almost wholesale.
I wrote this one in the format of a short play. The main character is called Nurnia, which is an amalgamation of Narnia and my real life name. She's a Narnian who's visiting a town in that world where- get this- they worship an avocado, and believe that dicho avocado created the world! As far as plots go, tu don't get much worse than that.
Of course, Nurnia argues with these people that, no, the world was created por Aslan. They, of course, don't believe her, and for some reason most of them have never heard of lions either. Then it ends in the most ridiculous way imaginable.
If I was going to quote everything cringey, I'd end up quoting the whole thing. So I'll just quote some particularly bad parts:
One thing that particularly gets me is that the first line of the entire play is "Long live Petrilia avocado!" (yes, that's the name), and later it's explained that "she rotted away a thousand years ago!" Contradictory much?
Here's some más direct quotes:
Nurnia: I'm from Narnia. My mum's name is Nur, so she named me after herself and Narnia. What's your name?
Shellymae: Oh, Nurnia girl. My name is Shellymae.
Nurnia: That's a pretty name.
I'm sure tu agree that the explanation for her name is stupid, and that Shellymae is a moron.
Nurnia: What's all this stuff about an avocado creating the world?
Shellymae: She created it. She isn't still creating it.
Nurnia: I didn't mean that. I know he isn't still creating it.
Shellymae: Petrilia Avocado wasn't a boy! She was a girl!
Nurnia: I'm not talking about the avocado! I'm talking about Aslan!
Shellymae: Aslan Avocado. Sounds nice.
^Awful.
And here's the ridiculous ending, in which they actually switch positions on the matter...
Shellymae: A lion! Wow! You're good at drawing lions!
Nurnia: Yes. It's Aslan!
Shellymae: I admire Aslan. He's that lion that created the world, isn't he?
Nurnia: He created Narnia. He probably did create the rest of the world too.
Pippi: What's all this about? Nurnia, can I see your picture? That lion is made up, isn't he?
Nurnia: No! He's not made up!
Shellymae: Can I come to Narnia with tu when tu go back?
Nurnia: Yes. I'm going back today. There's going to be a big feast, and Aslan will come.
Shellymae: Aslan? In Narnia? We have to go to Narnia and meet him! I wanna give him this avocado!
Nurnia: That's a great idea. He loves avocados.
Shellymae: Why?
Nurnia: Because of Petrilia Avocado, of course!
I leave tu on that ridiculous note.
4) The leona Cub Of Narnia
This is probably the best written out of all of them, but it still doesn't make much sense. It's about Aslan's daughter Azorah, who- get this- he had with a Narnian lioness. I know- it's kind of unacceptable. But anyway, she runs off to try and find her father, and the whole story is about her search. What doesn't make sense is that she actually ends up on the Dawn Treader, and even goes with the small party to Aslan's country at the end, which flatly contradicts what's canon. There are even 2 other lion cubs on board, which contradicts it even more. What's more, I was a moron and gave every single lion in the story a name starting with A.
Obviously, father and daughter are reunited at the end, and the mother Alasa also "appears" in Aslan's country.
I dicho it was the "best written" because most of the prose actually isn't atrocious. However, it isn't completely devoid of cringey passages. for instance:
"My mother," dicho Alsad. "Always prays to Aslan to protect me every night."
"My father," dicho Abra. "Sings songs about Aslan wherever he goes."
"My father," dicho Azorah. "Is named after him."
"Are tu sure," dicho Caspian. "That your father isn't Aslan himself? Because it's considered unlucky to be named after him."
This "bad luck" was never actually mentioned in any of the libros as far as I remember... correct me if I'm wrong.
Reepicheep stepped adelante, hacia adelante and bowed to Aslan, and Aslan, blushing, bowed to Reepicheep.
This, to me, is the worst. As if something like this would actually happen.
Azorah's parents collapsed in a big smoochy cuddle.
I know. Completely unacceptable.
3) The Narnian Seal
Seals were another one of my obsessions at that age, so I was basically just combining two of my obsessions in this one.
The story was about a sello with the stupidest name in the world- Sealy Lovely. He's the last sello in Narnia because the rest have died- which is stupid. He meets Emma, a new Narnian queen, and- get this- they fall in love. Seriously- imagine a girl falling in amor with a seal!
Their only barrier is that they think "the Narnians might not want a sello as a king." So they swim all the way to Aslan's country just to ask if they can get married- although I never actually refer to Aslan por name. I just call him "the Lion" the entire time.
One of the things that really annoys me is that, fairly early on in the story, Sealy Lovely insults Aslan, and Emma doesn't even seems to care. In fact, she seems to agree with him!
"Well, even if the Narnians don't mind, that Lion will," dicho Emma.
"Oh, that silly Lion," dicho Sealy Lovely. "He's very bossy."
Seriously- what self respecting Narnian would actually say that?
Then a faun cisne past with a buck and he dipped it in the water and shared it with them. They realised the water tasted sweet.
Yes, yes, we all know what sweet water means... but what a stupid way to reveal they were nearing their destination.
Possibly worst of all is how Aslan responds to their request. Of course, if this story made any sense, he would've dicho no, because, after all, he decreed that all kings and queens of Narnia be human! But instead, we get this unbearable amount of cringe:
The Lion dicho "I will let tu marry the sello if tu answer this pregunta correctly: What is the first letter of my name?"
Emma, who was only 10, thought it was best to go through the whole alphabet. "A," she said.
"Correct," dicho the Lion. "You may marry the sello today."
What Narnian would even have to "guess" in the first place?
2) A Narnian Problem
I made up several stories about Cecelia, my imaginary future daughter, and her adventures in Narnia, however, this was the only one I actually wrote down. Somehow Narnia still exists, and Lucy is not only still alive but still a young girl, even though this story is set in the future (I think this could be attributed to me interpreting the series ending quite differently from most people, but still it doesn't make much sense).
In this story, Cecelia is with 3 friends, one of which is Lucy. The other two are called Mary and Emily. A dryad arrives at their door and takes them to Narnia. They find out that Aslan has been captured por some people from our world (unrealistic much?) and they watch as his cage is put on the back of a truck and he's taken to a zoo. They go to the zoo, where he's been renamed "Goldie," and meet two young twins there. Aslan then reveals this was all a plan to get the two kids to save Narnia, and transports them all back there. This makes it slightly más realistic but it was still a stupid idea.
One day, Cecelia was hanging out in her room with Mary, Emily and Lucy. They were talking about Narnia. Suddenly, Cecelia's dad came in!
"There's someone standing at the door waiting for you!" dicho her dad. "She looks Narnian!"
"Narnian?" dicho Cecelia. "Come on, girls!" she dicho as she got up off her bed. She knew that a Narnian adventure was about to begin!
If referring to your friends as "girls," isn't cringey, I don't know what is...
"Well, that explains the new lion that's coming to the zoo," dicho Emily. "They have too many lions already."
"If they have too many lions," dicho Cecelia. "Why did they go to Narnia to look for more?"
"A zoo," mumbled the dryad. "Too many lions..."
Okay, "too many lions" is actually hilarious, but it's really not great writing.
Aslan woke up, but none of the other lions stirred, even when Aslan started pacing around the cage roaring loudly. One of his roars was not actually a roar, but the word Narnia.
"Narnia!" dicho the boy. "That's the book we read!"
"Yes!" dicho the girl. "Goldie's roar sounded so much like the word Narnia!"
Lucy came up to him. "He's not Goldie, he's Aslan," she said.
The twins unlocked the big oro door on the cage, and ran in, shouting: "Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan, Aslan!"
I think the unnecessary repetition of "Aslan" was intended to mostrar that they were childish little kids, but now it just makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. And that's not even mentioning what else is wrong with the passage... for instance, how on Earth did they acquire a key?
4) In Narnia: Avocado Dream
This is por far the worst and possibly even the worst thing I've ever written. As the título suggests, it was directly inspired por a dream and takes the content of the dream almost wholesale.
I wrote this one in the format of a short play. The main character is called Nurnia, which is an amalgamation of Narnia and my real life name. She's a Narnian who's visiting a town in that world where- get this- they worship an avocado, and believe that dicho avocado created the world! As far as plots go, tu don't get much worse than that.
Of course, Nurnia argues with these people that, no, the world was created por Aslan. They, of course, don't believe her, and for some reason most of them have never heard of lions either. Then it ends in the most ridiculous way imaginable.
If I was going to quote everything cringey, I'd end up quoting the whole thing. So I'll just quote some particularly bad parts:
One thing that particularly gets me is that the first line of the entire play is "Long live Petrilia avocado!" (yes, that's the name), and later it's explained that "she rotted away a thousand years ago!" Contradictory much?
Here's some más direct quotes:
Nurnia: I'm from Narnia. My mum's name is Nur, so she named me after herself and Narnia. What's your name?
Shellymae: Oh, Nurnia girl. My name is Shellymae.
Nurnia: That's a pretty name.
I'm sure tu agree that the explanation for her name is stupid, and that Shellymae is a moron.
Nurnia: What's all this stuff about an avocado creating the world?
Shellymae: She created it. She isn't still creating it.
Nurnia: I didn't mean that. I know he isn't still creating it.
Shellymae: Petrilia Avocado wasn't a boy! She was a girl!
Nurnia: I'm not talking about the avocado! I'm talking about Aslan!
Shellymae: Aslan Avocado. Sounds nice.
^Awful.
And here's the ridiculous ending, in which they actually switch positions on the matter...
Shellymae: A lion! Wow! You're good at drawing lions!
Nurnia: Yes. It's Aslan!
Shellymae: I admire Aslan. He's that lion that created the world, isn't he?
Nurnia: He created Narnia. He probably did create the rest of the world too.
Pippi: What's all this about? Nurnia, can I see your picture? That lion is made up, isn't he?
Nurnia: No! He's not made up!
Shellymae: Can I come to Narnia with tu when tu go back?
Nurnia: Yes. I'm going back today. There's going to be a big feast, and Aslan will come.
Shellymae: Aslan? In Narnia? We have to go to Narnia and meet him! I wanna give him this avocado!
Nurnia: That's a great idea. He loves avocados.
Shellymae: Why?
Nurnia: Because of Petrilia Avocado, of course!
I leave tu on that ridiculous note.
