Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' por Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor dicho we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The día tu left, I swore I'd never talk to tu again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always tu who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first mover as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my corazón says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for tu in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks hace I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her inicial with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like tu wouldn't believe and culo that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the sofá being blown por this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but tu see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better corazón than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique o her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because tu weren't there to watch. Do tu know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do tu remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped por last week with a pan of lasagna. She dicho she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the siguiente thing tu know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, tu know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight o her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops por with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's dado me lots of good consejos about tu and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as tu and all I can do is think of how much she looks like tu when tu were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured tu about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do tu see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your corazón tu must know it. Don't tu think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If tu feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can tu let me know where the f***ing remote is?
amor Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor dicho we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The día tu left, I swore I'd never talk to tu again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always tu who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first mover as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my corazón says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for tu in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks hace I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her inicial with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like tu wouldn't believe and culo that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the sofá being blown por this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but tu see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better corazón than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique o her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because tu weren't there to watch. Do tu know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do tu remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped por last week with a pan of lasagna. She dicho she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the siguiente thing tu know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, tu know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight o her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops por with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's dado me lots of good consejos about tu and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as tu and all I can do is think of how much she looks like tu when tu were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured tu about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do tu see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your corazón tu must know it. Don't tu think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If tu feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can tu let me know where the f***ing remote is?
amor Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
1.I like pie
2.Blue isn't blue until blue turns blue and when blue turns blue it's possibly blue and when blue turns blue, blue is orange.
3.My cat can fly. I taught him to the other day.
4.Dog comida is a beautiful thing to watch when tu are eating!
5.BLACK HEAD!!!!!!!!
6.Butterfly fly away, because I'm your biggest fan, and I got a feeling that you'll shine on like the Moonstone high at the end of time.
7.Heeeeeeeloo!
8. My name is Cow. I like purple. My name is purple. I like cows. In the end, the odds come together and we get out alive.
9. I'M IN HELL WHENEVER I'M AROUND POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
10. Fartblossom!
11.Pip-pip cheerio! (In and English accent.)
12. Your face is disorted when tu sleeeeeep.
13. Bye dicho Santa while eating Blitzen.
2.Blue isn't blue until blue turns blue and when blue turns blue it's possibly blue and when blue turns blue, blue is orange.
3.My cat can fly. I taught him to the other day.
4.Dog comida is a beautiful thing to watch when tu are eating!
5.BLACK HEAD!!!!!!!!
6.Butterfly fly away, because I'm your biggest fan, and I got a feeling that you'll shine on like the Moonstone high at the end of time.
7.Heeeeeeeloo!
8. My name is Cow. I like purple. My name is purple. I like cows. In the end, the odds come together and we get out alive.
9. I'M IN HELL WHENEVER I'M AROUND POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
10. Fartblossom!
11.Pip-pip cheerio! (In and English accent.)
12. Your face is disorted when tu sleeeeeep.
13. Bye dicho Santa while eating Blitzen.
