“Yo Pain,” Hidan shouted, “Where the f*** is Kakuzu? I checked his room and all his s*** is gone.” Pain was sitting in his office with Konan standing siguiente to him.

“Kakuzu decided to take advantage of our retirement plan. He no longer works for Akatsuki,” Pain explained.

“When the f*** did we get a retirement plan?” Hidan asked.

“Kakuzu set it up. He was our treasurer after all,” Konan said, “Zetsu is also retiring. I heard he even moved into the same assisted living facility.”

Pain added, “Until we can find an adequate replacement for Kakuzu tu will be working alone.”

Hidan was silent for a moment. Konan walked over to him sympathetically and said, “I know it must come as a shock. tu worked so closely together for so many years. Just let out whatever you’re feeling.”

Then a large smile spread across Hidan’s face and he leapt through the window of Pain’s office, shattering the glass and shouting, “Woohoo!”

Pain looked at the broken window and back to Konan. “Next time tu tell Hidan to let his emotions out, make sure there is nothing breakable nearby,” Pain stated.

Hidan landed in the streets of Amegakure, twirling his scythe and whistling a merry tune. “No más listening to Kakuzu b**** about money. No más losing fights to a ninety-one año old man. No más having to help him apply his,” Hidan stopped talking in mid-sentence to shudder, “ointments.”

Hidan sat down on a bench for a moment and put his hands behind his head. “Now I can do whatever the f*** I want,” He dicho to himself. Then he thought for a moment. In fact he sat there for quite some time. Kakuzu usually came up with the plans for what to do. Finally he decided to go see what the other members were up to.

Hidan finally came across Itachi and Kisame leaving Amegakure. He put his arms around the two akatsuki members and said, “Hey guys. Are tu going on a mission?”

“Yes,” Itachi said, “Now remove your hand from my shoulder before I reduce it to ashes in the wind.”

Hidan removed his hand from Itachi. “I figured I could go with tu guys,” Hidan explains, “They say two heads are better than one, so three must be a f****** beast!” Hidan started to chuckle after saying that.

“What is so funny?” Kisame asked.

“Nothing,” Hidan said, “I’m just thinking about how that a**wipe Kakuzu would have dicho something like, ‘I’m amazed tu can even count to three Hidan’.”

Itachi grabbed Kisame and whispered, “We are not letting the grim reaper’s pet monkey come with us.”

“Come on now Itachi. Hidan is a member of akatsuki after all,” Kisame explains, “I mean a powerful S-rank criminal organization doesn’t just let any loser in.”

“Then how did Tobi join?” Itachi asked.

After a little más discussion, Itachi relented and agreed to let Hidan come along and hunt the five-tails with them. They travelled a great distance until they found the five tails host wandering alone in the forest. “Alright,” Itachi said, “Everyone get ready to ambush him.”

Itachi activated his sharingan as Hidan and Kisame drew their respective weapons. Hidan looked at his scythe, and then at Kisame’s Samehada. He nudged Kisame’s shoulder and said, “Mine’s bigger than yours.”

Kisame looked annoyed as Samehada growled at Hidan. “Oh please,” Kisame said, “My Samehada’s wide range of abilities makes your scythe look like a sharp twig.”

Hidan laughed and said, “Big f****** whoop. All that tells me is you’re a s*** swordsman if tu need a living sword to do all the work for you.”

Kisame attempted to strike Hidan with Samehada as Hidan leapt back. “Cut it out tu idiots,” Itachi hissed, “The jinchuriki will hear you’re squabbling.” Itachi turned around to see the five tailed beast looming over the three of them. Before they could respond the creature head butts the three of them off into the sky.

After the events with Kisame and Itachi, Hidan decided to go see what Deidara and Tobi were up to. He found them in the nearby woods. Deidara was tossing bits of clay around in his hand while Tobi seemed to be running around in circles flapping his arms. “Why is that dumba** running around?” Hidan asked.

“He is chasing a mariposa un,” Deidara said.

“No,” Tobi said, “Tobi is working on his new super ultimate jutsu. The mariposa Tornado!”

Deidara’s head hung low in embarrassment, while Hidan burst out laughing. “How f****** stupid can tu get?” Hidan asked.

“It’s not stupid. It’s Tobi’s art,” Tobi responded, “Tobi was inspired por the mariposa just like Deidara sempai’s art is inspired por things he likes.”

“Tobi. My art is noble and refined. It is significantly different from tu flapping your arms around like an imbecile un,” Deidara explained.

“Art?” Hidan asked Deidara in disbelief, “It is just tu blowing s*** up. Get over yourself princess.”

Deidara scowled at Hidan and turned to confront him, but Tobi intervenes. “Nobody makes fun of Deidara sempai,” Tobi declared. Tobi started spinning and flailing his arms around. Hidan started to laugh again not noticing Tobi was coming closer. Suddenly Hidan was hit in the face with a barrage of slaps until he collapsed on the ground.

Deidara watched in amazement. Tobi stopped spinning and wobbled around dizzy. “Was Tobi a good boy?” Tobi asked.

“Actually yes,” Deidara replied, “Good job Tobi.” Tobi then bent over and vomited on Deidara’s feet, slightly lifting his mask from his mouth. “Well that moment of pride as your partner didn’t last long un,” Deidara stated with disgust.

After a few days of instances like this, Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi gathered at Pain’s office. “Hidan’s behavior as of late has been both an interference with our missions as well as a general nuisance,” Itachi summarized.

“Look at my office. tu think I don’t know this?” Pain asked. The office had become flooded after Hidan broke Pain’s window. “Do tu have any idea how important windows are in a village that never stops raining?” Pain inquired.

“This all started because Kakuzu retired,” Kisame said, “If we bring him back he might be able to act as a lightning rod for Hidan’s unpleasantness.”

“You can try,” Pain said, “I hear Kakuzu is pretty happy that place though. Konan can tu bring me the paper with Kakuzu’s retirement address?”

Konan walked into the room. She rung out her paper body and handed the information to Kisame. Deidara then constructed four clay birds and they took off for Kakuzu’s retirement home. It was a lovely facility with the sun shining and elderly people playing golf and shuffleboard outside. The four akatsuki walked in to the reception office. “We are here to see Kakuzu un,” Deidara explained, “He has stitches everywhere and is probably talking about money un.”

“Yes,” the nurse responded, “His room is right down the hall.”

Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi walked down the hallway when they spotted Kakuzu in a rosado, rosa bata de baño, albornoz and sitting in a wheelchair with a nurse behind him. “Oh no!” Tobi despaired, “What did they do to tu Kakuzu?” Tobi started to wail as he forcibly hugged Kakuzu.

“Get off me tu oversized child!” Kakuzu shouted. Deidara pried Tobi off of Kakuzu. “Why are tu four here?” Kakuzu asked.

“We came to convince tu to come out of retirement,” Itachi said. Itachi looked down at the wheelchair and asked, “Why are tu in a wheelchair? tu can walk just fine.”

“Walking is for unimportant people. Besides I am incredibly happy here,” Kakuzu said. He then looked up at his nurse. “My shoulders aren’t going to rub themselves,” he said. She started to rub his shoulders when he shouted, “My feet also require massaging.” Another nurse sighed and walked over to do his feet.

“We really miss tu down at akatsuki old friend,” Kisame explained, “Especially Hidan.”

Kakuzu laughed and said, “Bull. tu came down here because Hidan is driving tu all nuts instead of me.” Kakuzu looked around. “Where is that other nurse with my drink?” He asked. She arrived and he threw it on her. “That is for being late,” he said. Her bottom lip quivered and she held her head down low and walked away.

Deidara sarcastically remarked, “Yeah. We really miss tu Kakuzu un.”

Suddenly the manager walked over. “Mr. Kakuzu,” He said, “Bingo will be starting in five minutes. Shall we take tu to your usual front row seat?”

“It is about time,” Kakuzu said, “These ‘old friends’ were starting to irritate me. por the way, try to get these nurses to be más cooperative with me. I can only put up with so much.”

“Of course Mr. Kakuzu,” the manager dicho as he wheeled him to bingo.

“Well Kakuzu may be happier, but he is making everyone else miserable in the process,” Itachi stated.

“Oh wow!” A shout came from behind the akatsuki members. It was Zetsu. “I can’t believe it. tu guys came to see me and bring me back to Akatsuki,” He said, “Here I thought tu guys never even noticed me.” Zetsu gave them a group hug. “I’ll go pack my things,” Zetsu said.

The other members stared at each other as Zetsu cheerfully returned to his room to get his stuff. Kisame looked at the others. “I didn’t know he was here. How about tu guys?” Kisame asked.

Deidara and Tobi just shrugged. Itachi said, “I knew he was here. I just didn’t care.”

They walked over to Zetsu’s room. “I’m glad tu guys are here,” Zetsu said, “Kakuzu has been a total nightmare at this place.”

Tobi asked, “Zetsu sempai. Why is everyone okay with Kakuzu being a big meanie?”

Zetsu explained, “Kakuzu has a deal with the manager. The manager rigs all the bingo games so Kakuzu wins a lot of the prizes. Kakuzu gives the prize money to the manager in exchange for getting his way all the time.”

Itachi pondered that for a moment. “I’ve got to make a quick phone call,” he said. Itachi left the room and contacted the national offices of the retirement home. Within an hora the manager was fired and Kakuzu was kicked out and blacklisted from all other retirement homes. With no other choice, Kakuzu returned with the others back to Amegakure, grumbling angrily all the way.

Meanwhile Hidan was lying on a bench bored when they arrived on Deidara’s clay birds. “Kakuzu!” Hidan shouted with joy. Hidan quickly composed himself and said, “I mean. Kakuzu. What the f*** is your ancient a** doing here?”

“I’m out of retirement,” Kakuzu stated, “I’m your partner again.”

“Oh okay,” Hidan dicho trying to hide a smile, “So do tu want to go on a mission o something?”

“No,” Kakuzu dicho as he grabbed Hidan, “I need tu to help me with my skin ointment. The nurses never applied it right.”

“No f****** way! Let me go. Help!” Hidan pleaded as the other akatsuki members looked on with great amusement.