vlad_todd_fan Sorry it was so short I was ridiculously tired please comment

cassie-1-2-3 Sounds like X-Men.

bri-marie [i]My name is Michael Gavin I'm 14 live in Upland CA, and I have wings.[/i] But no face? No hair? No body? [i]My childhood was normal, like really normal no wings at that time and I was popular-ish.[/i] What's a "normal" childhood? Or is he saying his childhood was "normal" because he didn't have wings? How can someone be "popular-ish? [i]Until, I hit puberty as my mom says my dad was killed in a car accident and it was just me and mom.[/i] Couple of things that are confusing here: 1) Is he saying his childhood became un-normal because his dad was hit by a car? 2) Is his mom telling him his childhood stopped being normal because of that, or is she telling him his dad died in a car accident? If that's the case, why does she need to tell him? 3)This makes it seem as if puberty is something that starts and finishes in a day. It sounds like he's saying, "The day I hit puberty is the day my mom says my dad died." That doesn't make sense. [i]I spent two months[/i] For what? [i]panic button on the wall next to me, with it came an alarm and a loud buzzer.[/i] Actually, (and this is speaking from personal experience)you can't hear the panic button in the room. [i]thrown at the doctors.[/i] The panic button doesn't call the doctors - it calls the nurses or aids who then have to go and page the doctors. [i]I was filled with a ton of painkillers[/i] I'm pretty sure it's illegal for doctors to give someone painkillers when they aren't in pain - especially enough to make them black -out. [i]sounded happy,[/i] There really isn't any reason for them to be happy - a patient, for no reason, sprouting new appendages is not something any doctor would be happy about. [i]I gained normal concience again[/i] As opposed to un-normal consciousness? This should just be "I regained consciousness." There is no "normal" consciousness. [i]and I looked normal-ish[/i] Which is what? And how does he know what he looks like? [i]I didn' t feel any wooziness or pain.[/i] Who would he? He wasn't in any pain to begin with. [i]I could walk with no painkillers and no pain.[/i] Again . . . [i]Am I normal already?[/i] Wasn't he normal before? [i]"oh, I'm still hyped up on laughing gas[/i] Laughing gas is an anesthetic (it puts to to sleep so they can do surgery), not a pain killer, so they wouldn't have given it to him. [i]I was actually back home and the grass seriously needed to be cut.[/i] So, it was a dream then? How did he randomly end up back at home? [i]That was when I was 9 five years later things have definetly changed.[/i] So, he had the dream when he was nine? [i]Please comment I won't write anymore if people don't ask[/i] This should be largely separated from your story. Adding it right after the last sentence makes it seem as if it's part of the story. Watch your spelling and your tenses (you skip back and forth between past and present a lot). Add punctuation to your compound sentences to have them make sense (or re-word some of them) and add punctuation in general. This has hardly any descriptions: what does Micheal look like? What kind of house does he live in? What do his parents look like? Act like? What happened to put him in the hospital for two months? What was it like in the hospital? What did the nurses, doctors, aids, other patients look like? What did they act like? Use all five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) to let us know what's going on with and around your character.

redhawks Are you a like an English teacher or a writer, something like that? I thought it was very good. I will have to argue on some things with bri-marie. He spent two months because he got hit. I was filled with a ton of painkillers. Now this is just a prediction but they prob. did do something illegal that needed pain killers such as making wings become part of his genetics. sound happy, they porbably sounded happy because the implant of wings had gone successfully. I didn't feel any woozeness or pain. This is speaking from experiance...I was on pain killers for something and they did tend to make e woozy when I was walking. Also, he would feel pain if he was coming out of surgery with the implant of wings. But he didn't. "oh, I'm still hyped up on laughing gas Well, he might have gone into surgery(again for the implant of wings) and he didn't know it because they put him on pain killers and enough to black him out. If he didn't know it then how is he supossed to to "tell" us. Please comment...... I bet no one would think that is part of the story. Everyone writes that at the end so I hihgly doubt that they would think it is part of the story. Againn most of this is predictions. I am making this prediction based of James Pattersons book Maxium Ride the series. It seems like you have been reading it and it sounds a lot like it.

bri-marie [i]Are you a like an English teacher or a writer, something like that?[/i] Me? I'm an English tutor at my college, studying to become and English teacher. I also began college as an English major with a minor in writing. [i]He spent two months because he got hit.[/i] Yes, but being hit by a car doesn't automatically earn you a two month stay in the hospital. You can get hit by a car and only break your leg (in which case, they would put you in a cast, maybe keep you over night for a concussion), or you can break every bone in your body (in which case, that could keep you in the hospital for that long) or you can walk away without a scratch. My point was we needed details to know how badly he was hurt. [i]I was filled with a ton of painkillers. Now this is just a prediction but they prob. did do something illegal that needed pain killers such as making wings become part of his genetics.[/i] The way he phrased it in the story came across as "the doctor came in the room, saw the wings, and freaked." If that's not the case, then this would be one of the sentences I mentioned that needs re-wording. [i]sound happy, they porbably sounded happy because the implant of wings had gone successfully.[/i] Then why did they sound surprised and confused? [i]I didn't feel any woozeness or pain. This is speaking from experiance...I was on pain killers for something and they did tend to make e woozy when I was walking. Also, he would feel pain if he was coming out of surgery with the implant of wings. But he didn't.[/i] I've been on painkillers - all kinds. I didn't get woozy at all. And he didn't know if he was in surgery; as far as he knew, the doctors knocked him out with unnecessary painkillers. Since he doesn't know about a surgery that may or may not have happened, why would he be surprised about not feeling pain that he wasn't feeling to begin with? [i]"oh, I'm still hyped up on laughing gas Well, he might have gone into surgery(again for the implant of wings) and he didn't know it because they put him on pain killers and enough to black him out. If he didn't know it then how is he supossed to to "tell" us.[/i] I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or arguing with me. You're point was correct: he didn't know that he went into surgery (that may or may not have happened), so how does he know they gave him laughing gas. [i]Please comment...... I bet no one would think that is part of the story. Everyone writes that at the end so I hihgly doubt that they would think it is part of the story.[/i] I've seen author's notes put right at the end of the story (it was a first person narrative told through a journal) that said, "Oh, I have to go, Mom's calling me for dinner." It wasn't until I said it was such an odd way for her to end the journal (she had stated earlier about her mother being on vacation or something) that the author said it wasn't part of the story. Obviously, no one would think [i]this[/i] note was part of the story, but it really should be separate to avoid later confusion.

vlad_todd_fan I'm sorry about all this controversie. The character of Michael is dirty blonde hair, dark blue eyes, and in this article was 5.7. His mom was a short woman around 5.9, had emerald green eyes, bright blonde hair, and was a normal stay at home mom, until the dad was killed in a car accident, then she started a part time job at closet world (it's real don't make fun of me) The do toe who checked up on Michael was African American, short black hair, and yellow eyes, (it's real look it up) and thirty-five years old we'll see more of him later. There were many nurses too many to go into detail for each but the main one was tall and skinny piercing red hair (probably colored) that went into a short ponytail, hazel eyes and probably in her twentys. Patients came and gone at the hospital some were also in car accidents and were in full body casts, there were plenty of old people waiting to pass on, some were children with broken bones, there were woman pregnant getting a delivery, people in a coma or stroke, and visiting people for everyone around me. The character wasn't as popular as the little jocks and cheerleaders were but he was there friend, His childhood was normal becuase he didn't have wings. The character of the mom(Marcia) used the term puberty to show things are changing in and around the character. I hope this cleared up the arguing. I have also not read X-men or the maximum ride series I imagined this story when I was seven.

germany123 the biggest issue with this is just that its miscategorized...

bri-marie Don't be sorry - what else is this spot for if not giving advice and critiques on stories? It's good that you have so much information about the surroundings and characters. Now, you just have to find a way to smoothly incorporate that information into your story.

wolfgirl985 Good work I like it :)