Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are tu guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are tu sure tu didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar o something.
Alan Garner: hola Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did tu have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... o a Chuck E. Cheese.
Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're más likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: o rapies.
Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, o don't, but do me a favor - don't text me, it's gay.
Mr. Chow: To-da-loo, motherfucka!
Alan Garner: tigres amor pepper... they hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Would tu please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask tu twice.
Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
Stu Price: They're really a lot más mature than tu think.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: tu should probably go, Doctor Faggot.
Alan Garner: hola what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, tu were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are tu okay?
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, tu have an incredible rack.
Phil Wenneck: [to himself] I should have been a fucking cop.
Alan Garner: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: tu know I was thinking of getting my bartender's license
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner: No thank tu
Stu Price: [singing passionately] What do tigres dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, o Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't tu worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get tu back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered por crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.
Mr. Chow: tu wanna fuck on me?
Mr. Chow: [as Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother fuckers!
Alan Garner: Godzilla destroys cities! I hate him too!
Alan Garner: No, it's a satchel... Indiana Jones has one.
Alan Garner: I don't even care if we kill someone.
Alan Garner: Do tu know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do tu mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.
Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!
Alan Garner: Oh, tu know what? siguiente week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Alan Garner: But Doc, none of us remember anything from last night. Remember?
Mr. Chow: Its funny because he's fat!
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
[awkward laughter]
Alan Garner: tu guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man lobo pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my lobo pack... it grew por one. So there... there were two of us in the lobo pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to tu guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two más guys to my lobo pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Stu Price: So, uh, are tu sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are tu talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: tu found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. o drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillibilly!
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did tu just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Alan Garner: hola guys, when's the siguiente Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do tu know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years o something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But tu don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he dicho it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Alan Garner: I have a question. tu probably get this a lot but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
Alan Garner: It's got, ah, Ted Danson and botella doble, magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...
Mike Tyson: por the way man, where tu get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We uh, estola it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
[laughing]
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's Nice!
Doug Billings: Either way, tu gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind tu two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who dicho anything about gambling? It's not gambling when tu know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like... masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!
Officer Franklin: Not you, Fat Jesus!
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.
Stu Price: Fuck!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.
Stu Price: [to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everythings fine, don't cry...
Stu Price: [to the other guys in the front seat]
[screaming]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?
Mr. Chow: Whatcha talking about Willis?
[after handing over 'Black Doug']
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Alan Garner: Hey, does my hair look cool like Phil's?
Phil Wenneck: God damn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that?
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Black Doug: hola man I can be your Doug!
Alan Garner: tu probably get this a a lot, is this the real Caesar's palace?
Lisa: What do tu mean?
Alan Garner: Did Caesar actually live here?
Lisa: No...
Stu Price: tu are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are tu guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are tu sure tu didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar o something.
Alan Garner: hola Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did tu have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... o a Chuck E. Cheese.
Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're más likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: o rapies.
Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, o don't, but do me a favor - don't text me, it's gay.
Mr. Chow: To-da-loo, motherfucka!
Alan Garner: tigres amor pepper... they hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Would tu please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask tu twice.
Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.
Stu Price: They're really a lot más mature than tu think.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: tu should probably go, Doctor Faggot.
Alan Garner: hola what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, tu were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are tu okay?
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, tu have an incredible rack.
Phil Wenneck: [to himself] I should have been a fucking cop.
Alan Garner: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: tu know I was thinking of getting my bartender's license
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner: No thank tu
Stu Price: [singing passionately] What do tigres dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, o Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't tu worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get tu back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered por crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.
Mr. Chow: tu wanna fuck on me?
Mr. Chow: [as Mr. Chow closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodooloo mother fuckers!
Alan Garner: Godzilla destroys cities! I hate him too!
Alan Garner: No, it's a satchel... Indiana Jones has one.
Alan Garner: I don't even care if we kill someone.
Alan Garner: Do tu know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do tu mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.
Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!
Alan Garner: Oh, tu know what? siguiente week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Alan Garner: But Doc, none of us remember anything from last night. Remember?
Mr. Chow: Its funny because he's fat!
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
[awkward laughter]
Alan Garner: tu guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man lobo pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my lobo pack... it grew por one. So there... there were two of us in the lobo pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to tu guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two más guys to my lobo pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Stu Price: So, uh, are tu sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are tu talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: tu found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. o drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillibilly!
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did tu just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Alan Garner: hola guys, when's the siguiente Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do tu know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years o something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But tu don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he dicho it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Alan Garner: I have a question. tu probably get this a lot but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
Alan Garner: It's got, ah, Ted Danson and botella doble, magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...
Mike Tyson: por the way man, where tu get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We uh, estola it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
[laughing]
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's Nice!
Doug Billings: Either way, tu gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind tu two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who dicho anything about gambling? It's not gambling when tu know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like... masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!
Officer Franklin: Not you, Fat Jesus!
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.
Stu Price: Fuck!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.
Stu Price: [to crying baby beside him in back seat] No, don't cry, it's okay, everythings fine, don't cry...
Stu Price: [to the other guys in the front seat]
[screaming]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?
Mr. Chow: Whatcha talking about Willis?
[after handing over 'Black Doug']
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
Alan Garner: Hey, does my hair look cool like Phil's?
Phil Wenneck: God damn it!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: Shit!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that?
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Black Doug: hola man I can be your Doug!
Alan Garner: tu probably get this a a lot, is this the real Caesar's palace?
Lisa: What do tu mean?
Alan Garner: Did Caesar actually live here?
Lisa: No...
Stu Price: tu are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
