Sheldon Lee Cooper
Season 1
Penny: So, what do tu guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
''Pilot''.
Sheldon: Ah, gravity - thou art a heartless bitch.
''The Big Bran Hypothesis''.
Leonard: For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon (intrigued): tu have a sarcasm sign?
''The Big Bran Hypothesis''.
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly.
Sheldon: No, no let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32ft per second, per second. superman swoops down to save her por reaching out two arms of steel. Ms. Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three. equal pieces.
''The Big Bran Hypothesis''.
Sheldon: I think that tu [Leonard] have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
"The Fuzzy Boots Corollary".
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. (a pause as he tries to think of what to do next, then he says awkwardly) 'There, there'. (another pause) tu wanna talk about it?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Good! 'There there' was really all I had.
''The Middle-Earth Paradigm''.
Sheldon: dado the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American educational system.
Kurt: You're a zebra, right?
Sheldon: (aside, to Leonard) Yet another child left behind ...
''The Middle-Earth Paradigm''.
Sheldon: I am uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: tu could have told her the truth.
Leonard: I could not have dicho that, it would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose tu could have agreed to go.
Leonard: What would I have dicho afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something along the lines of "singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for tu and if tu disagree, I recommend tu do a CAT scan to locate the tumor which is pressing on the cognitive processing center of your brain".
''The Loobenfeld Decay''.
Sheldon: You're asking me to use my superior intellect in a tawdry competition. Would tu ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would tu ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would tu ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
''The Bat Jar Conjecture''.
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding...
''The Nerdvana Annihilation''.
Sheldon: Are tu upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well there was a number of things. First the late hour, then tu demeanors seems very low energy plus your irritability...
Leonard: Yes I'm upset!
Sheldon: Oh... I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did tu want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know... maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fuego tonight.
''The Nerdvana Annihilation''.
Sheldon: You're out, too, por the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece o nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
''The Pork Chop Indeterminacy''.
Sheldon: Eat this slice of cheese without farting and tu can sleep with my sister.
''The Pork Chop Indeterminacy''.
Store Clerk: Excuse me Sir, tu don't work here
Sheldon: Yes, well apparently neither does anyone else
''The maní, cacahuete Reaction''.
Season 2
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: Promised Penny what?
Sheldon: I wouldn't tell tu the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. jesús is okay with it, but we can't tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I'M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!
''The Bad pescado Paradigm''.
Leonard: How could tu just sit there and let them spy on me!?
Sheldon: They were very smart! They used my complete lack of interest in what tu are doing.
''The Bad pescado Paradigm''.
Penny: Sheldon, could I ask tu a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that tu not, but I wouldn't go so far as to forbid it.
''The Bad pescado Paradigm''.
Sheldon: When I try to decieve, I myself have más ticks then a lyme-disease research facility.
''The Bad pescado Paradigm''.
Sheldon: I read an articulo about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous gelatina, jalea pescado into other animals; and I thought "Hey! pescado night-lights".
Leonard: pescado night-lights ...
Sheldon: It's a billion dollar idea ... SUSH!!!!
''The Luminous pescado Effect''.
Sheldon: I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
''The Griffin Equivalency''.
Sheldon: For what it's worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make jesús cry.
"The Euclid Alternative"/''The Classified Materials Turbulence''.
Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium-well?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Dill slices not sweet?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Individual relish packets?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: cebolla rings?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Extra-breading?
Leonard: I asked.
Sheldon: What did they say?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Did tu protest?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Vociferously?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then what took tu so long?
''The Panty Pinata Polarization''.
Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lagartija, lagarto poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lagartija, lagarto eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
''The Lizard-Spock Expansion''.
Sheldon: I trust Leonard satisfied tu sexually last night.
Leonard: Oh good God! Sheldon we don't ask preguntas like that!
Sheldon: I heard tu ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now tu FINALLY have an answer.
''The Vartabedian Conundrum''.
Sheldon: tu bought me a present? Why would tu do such a thing? I know tu think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. tu haven't dado me a gift, you've dado me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for tu a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented por the gift you've dado me. Ah, it's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself por being such an endearing and important part of your life...
"The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis".
Sheldon: All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
"The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis".
Sheldon: A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
"The Friendship Algorithm".
Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote don't tu understand?
"The Friendship Algorithm".
Sheldon: She calls me moon-pie because I'm nummy-nummy and she could eat me up!
''The terminator Decoupling''.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.
"The Work Song Nanocluster".
Sheldon: tu are effectively paying yourself five dollars and nineteen cents a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon: There are children working in sneaker factories in Indonesia who out-earn you.
"The Work Song Nanocluster".
Leonard: What were tu doing at Penny's?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, and you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of 'friends with benefits.'
''The Vegas Renormalization''.
Sheldon: tu know, I'm dado to understand that there's an entire city in Nevada devoted specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
''The Vegas Renormalization''.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Thanks for letting me stay here.
Penny: Oh, you're welcome sweetie.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm sleepy now get out.
''The Vegas Renormalization''.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits?' Does he provide her with health insurance?
''The Vegas Renormalization''.
Season 3
Sheldon (to his mom): But, evolution is not opinion, it's a fact!
Sheldon's mom: And that is your opinion!
Sheldon (to Leonard, Howard and Raj): I forgive you, let's go home.
''The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation''.
Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render tu catatonic.
''The Jiminy Conjecture''.
Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.
''The Jiminy Conjecture''.
Sheldon: Howard, tu know me to be a very smart man. Don't tu think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?
''The Jiminy Conjecture''.
Sheldon: Excuse me! Wolverine Origin, mini series issue two, page 22, retractable bone claws. tu know, if tu three spent less time thinking about sex and más time concentrating on comic books, we would have much less of these embarrassing moments.
''The Jiminy Conjecture''.
Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure tu that in none of them am I dancing.
''The Gothowitz Deviation''.
Leonard: Sheldon, tu can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat!
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
''The Gothowitz Deviation''.
Penny: I give up. He's impossible!
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what tu meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.
''The Gothowitz Deviation''.
Leonard: I'm just saying, tu catch más flies with honey then with vinegar.
Sheldon: tu catch even más with manure, what's your point?
''The Gothowitz Deviation''.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.
''The Gothowitz Deviation''.
Sheldon: There's a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately, tu have to be a visionary to see it.
"The Pirate Solution".
Sheldon: STOP IT BOTH OF YOU! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit George! I told tu if tu didn't quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes tu a liar, because I'm drunk as hell and tu are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I'll tell tu what is making Sheldon cry, that I let tu name him SHELDON!
''The Guitarist Amplification''.
Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years hace I told tu not to talk to her, and now look. We're going to be late for the movies.
''The Guitarist Amplification''.
Sheldon: tu can't make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
''The Guitarist Amplification''.
Sheldon: Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.
''The Adhesive pato Deficiency''.
Sheldon: Why do tu have the Chinese character for 'soup' tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup'; it's 'courage'.
Sheldon: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd tu see it? tu dicho tu wouldn't look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
''The Adhesive pato Deficiency''.
Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line. Wolowitz: Thank you, Sheldon. Sheldon: And whether that propigation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
''The Vengeance Formulation''.
[Video of Sheldon playing after his prank on Kripke, which also hit the universidad president and board of directors]
Sheldon: Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to tu from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If tu would like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
''The Vengeance Formulation''.
Sheldon: Why are tu crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
''The Gorilla Experiment''.
Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make té for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are tu telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
''The Maternal Congruence''.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, por the way, for which he is never brought to account.
''The Maternal Congruence''.
Penny Sheldon, did tu have a navidad tree?
Sheldon: Oh, yes... We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Clause with plastic reindeer on the front lawn... and to make things even más jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighborhood-wise seizures.
''The Maternal Congruence''.
Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's corazón grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the corazón muscle, o hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which can lead to congestive corazón failure.
''The Maternal Congruence''.
Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder.........drat.
''The Bozeman Reaction''.
Sheldon: *knocking* Leonard and Penny!
*knocking* Leonard and Penny!
*knocking* Leonard and Penny!
''The Bozeman Reaction''.
Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much más user-friendly than Windows Vista......I don't like that.
''The Bozeman Reaction''.
Sheldon: This is the temperature tu agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, tu don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
''The Staircase Implementation''.
Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se - that is to say representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.
Sheldon: Yet tu wound up in traffic court.
''The Excelsior Acquisition''.
Sheldon: *After just being jailed, at the biggest guy in the cell who's sitting on a bench* That's my spot.
''The Excelsior Acquisition''.
Zack: Is that the laser? It's bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie de Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
''The Lunar Excitation.''.
Sheldon: Leonard, tu may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants tu in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: tu really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. BAZINGA!
''The Monopolar Expedition''.
Penny: So what do tu say Sheldon, are we your X-men?
Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, tu will be, my C-men.
''The Pants Alternative''.
Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender respuestas "for you, no charge".
''The Pants Alternative''.
Sheldon: Hello, I know you're out there. I can hear tu metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
''The Pants Alternative''.
*Playing 3D chess*
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Oh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously, you're not suited for three dimensional chess. Perhaps three dimensional dulces Land would be más your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board!
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.
''The Pancake Batter Anomaly''.
Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: Who's Adam West!? Leonard, what do the two of tu talk about after the coitus?
''The Precious Fragmentation''.
Sheldon: tu can try, but you'll never catch me. Bazinga!
''The Einstein Approximation''.
Sheldon: Hello Penny. I realize tu are currently in the mercy if your primitive biological urges. But, as tu have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
''The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation''.
Sheldon: I am the ball, my thoughts are its thoughts, its holes are my holes.
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Sheldon: I am the proud owner of WilWheatonStinks.com, .net and .org!
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Sheldon: Tweet that tweetie bird.
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did tu get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.
''The Gorilla Experiment''.
Sheldon: I am the ball, my thoughts are its thoughts, its holes are my holes.
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!
''The Wheaton Recurrence''.
Leonard: Hey, where've tu been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? tu can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all día about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck.
''The espaguetis, espagueti Catalyst''.
Penny: So, how've tu been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
''The espaguetis, espagueti Catalyst''.
Sheldon: *While peeing* Pee for Houston, pee for Austin.
Pee for the state my corazón got lost in.
And shake twice for Texas.
''The Plimpton Stimulation''.
Leonard: tu know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.
Sheldon: I don't have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I'm there already!
''The Staircase Implementation''.
Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu. You're my favorito! Linux-based operating system.
''The Staircase Implementation''.
Sheldon: Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply por referring to oneself as one.
The Lunar Excitation''.
Season 4
Sheldon: Is your womb available for rental?
''The Robotic Manipulation''.
Sheldon: I have a Masters degree and two Doctorates. The things I *should* know, I do know.
''The Robotic Manipulation''.
Sheldon: Well that's no threat, my mother's always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon: Curses!
''The Robotic Manipulation''.
Sheldon: I just don't want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.
''The Robotic Manipulation''.
Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living siguiente to tu for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.
''The Robotic Manipulation''.
Sheldon: I know mother, but you're not fooling me. Every time tu want to talk it means tu want me listen.
Mrs. Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes, M'am
''The Zazzy Substitution''.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny! Penny!
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
''The Hot Troll Deviation''.
--
Alright. For now, I think that's it. This aren't all of the Sheldon quotes, but I hope tu like this. I'll post más frases from another TBBT characters later.
IMPORTANT:
Again: Please... PLEASE don't use this articulo without my permission, alright? I'll be glad to not see this articulo anywhere else but in Fanpop. Yeah, I know I found the frases at another website, but the articulo is completely mine, so tu cannot use this articulo without my permisson.
And, if tu want, tu can add más Sheldon Cooper frases in the comments.
