#7. The Lion King: To Be Successful, Sometimes People Got to Die
Simba always knew that he was going to succeed his father, Mufasa, as the siguiente Lion King. But fate liked spitting in poor little Simba's face, and his dear old dad got trampled to death por wildebeests. Of course, Mufasa's death was really caused por the evil Scar, Simba's uncle.
Later, all grown up, he reclaims his thrown and Scar suffers the double whammy of falling off a cliff and getting torn apart por hyenas. So after two particularly nasty and horrendous deaths, Simba finally becomes the lion king.
The Supposed Message:
We all have responsibilities we can't ignore. And don't trust that creepy uncle.
The Actual Message:
In order for tu to be successful, other people will have to pay. And ultimately, that's okay, because the ends justify the means!
First tu have Scar, who knew he couldn't be king of the pridelands until that dick Mufasa and his brat son were out of the way. So Scar did away with both of them, killing Mufasa and banishing Simba, and, as a result, he got to be king for a descent amount of time.
Then when Simba started to grow some balls, he took back his throne... but only after Scar himself took a dirt nap. It's true that Simba didn't intentionally kill him, but tu know who did? The screenwriter. After all, the movie doesn't end with Simba convincing Scar to renounce his evil ways, o putting Scar in lion jail.
In fact, Lion Jail isn't even real.
No, the message was sent loud and clear: Simba could not be the true king unless Scar was dead. And they even arranged it so that Simba wouldn't have any of the pesky guilt that would have come with actually doing the deed himself. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except Scar of course, whose body was slowly pooped out por several hyenas the siguiente day.
#6. Cinderella: Sort of Like "The Secret"
cenicienta is forced por her bitchy stepmother to clean the house from stem to stern every day. The only thing that prevents her from swallowing a bottle of pain killers is her belief that someday her dreams will come true.
One día cenicienta plans to attend a ball thrown por the prince, but the fact that she has a cutthroat perra for a stepmother completely slipped her mind. She is forbidden from going.
Luckily, it turns out cenicienta has a fairy godmother, who uses her magic to hook cenicienta up with a ride, a beautiful outfit and a pair of what would seem like grossly impractical glass heels. At the ball cenicienta uses her innate flirting skills and rocks the prince's world, to the point that the siguiente día the prince whisks her away to be his princess.
The Supposed Message:
Dreams do come true!
The Actual Message:
If tu wait around long enough, the universe will practically hand stuff to you.
"Could tu fix my credit score while you're at it?"
No one is denying the fact that Cinderella's life was one big shit stain. But in her state of mind, she actually thought that her dreams would just sort of happen if she sat around being miserable long enough. It never occurred to her that she had the ability to just tell her stepmother to go fuck herself.
Instead she kept scrubbing floors and believing that, if she continued to wish very hard and take absolutely no action, everything would fall into place. And what do tu know, the perra gets a fucking kingdom out of it.
So don't worry, girls. Some kind of "Fairy Godmother" will sweep into your life at any moment, and find tu a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!
#5. The Little Mermaid: A Little Deal with the Devil Never Hurt Nobody
A little mermaid named Ariel, who is presumably little in título only since she has one impressively big rack, dreams of living her life on apuntalar, costa and finding her true love. Well, a clearly evil sea-witch named Ursula offers to give the naive mermaid legs in exchange for something she probably might need in the future: her voice.
When Ariel makes it to shore, she realizes the Sea-Bitch screwed her, as her legs work with the grace of a drunken paraplegic and she can't speak. So now she must somehow make Prince Eric fall in amor with her while appearing to be either mute o retarded.
por some miracle, the prince takes the bait (again, note the rack) but then Ursula, who in the cartoon seems to be portrayed as a black drag queen, goes after the couple. The prince is forced to kill Ursula por stabbing her with a ship. As a result, Ariel gets both her legs and her voice.
The Supposed Message:
True amor conquers all!
The Actual Message:
A little compromise with evil is okay, as long as everything works out okay in the end!
Ariel loved to sing, and she sang pretty damn well. But she wanted to live on apuntalar, costa and find amor so bad that she made a "deal" with a "devil" and "sells" her beautiful voice, o "soul" so to speak.
And guess what? It worked. Sure, the writers threw in some complications in the form of Prince Eric having to send Ursula straight to disney Hell, but the fact of the matter remains that Ariel would never have gotten to meet Prince Eric at all had she not compromised with the evil queen in the first place. She made a figurative deal with the devil, got everything she wanted and came out completely unscathed.
So keep that in mind if tu have to, say, sleep with some dude to get that actuación role. None of that will matter once tu achieve your dreams!
#4. Beauty and the Beast: Just Because He's Abusive, Doesn't Mean He's Not a Really Good Guy
After a spoiled prince pretty much tells an old beggar woman to fuck off, he is transformed into a beast, as it turns out the beggar is an enchantress. And she makes it very clear that until he learns to amor and thus is loved in return, there will be no ladies in his life and it's just going to be him and his hand for a very long time.
As luck would have it, there happens to be a woman out there named Belle with a corazón big enough to share with unfortunate-looking people such as the Beast, and she's not too bad to look at either. When her father is kidnapped por the Beast, Belle offers herself in exchange for his freedom.
Against all odds, they fall in love. The townspeople snap and try and kill the Beast, but because Belle admits she loves him, the Beast turns back into a man and the two live happily ever after.
The Supposed Message:
Treat others the way tu wish to be treated!
The Actual Message:
Underneath the abusive exterior of your man is a loving corazón he's just dying to share with you.
First of all, Belle was a prisoner in the Beast's fucking castle. Nothing says "I amor you" like house arrest. Secondly, he wasn't exactly whispering sweet nothings in her ear. The Beast hurled insults at Belle at every chance, and came close to pimp slapping the shit out of her on más than one occasion.
But she ignored all that unimportant trivia, because the Beast had a loving heart! Sure he gets angry sometimes, but that's just how he is. And, in the end, he turned back into a sexy, romantic prince. It's all good now.
Her patience paid off, girls, and it will for you, too! If tu just stick with it and don't judge your man too harshly. o call the cops.
#3. The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Ugly Dude Never Gets the Girl
Quasimodo is born with a hunched back and a face that only a mother could love. Too bad his mother gets killed por an asshole named Frollo.
Quasimodo moves into the campana tower of a cathedral and becomes the hunchback of Notre Dame. He then winds up in a amor triángulo, triángulo de with the lovely gypsy Esmeralda and the aforementioned Frollo.
When spurned por the girl, Frollo tries to burn Esmeralda at the stake. Quasimodo rescues her and, after that, the twisted, malformed freak is able to freely go out in public without people pointing and shaking their fists at the sky in reaction to God's twisted design. Quasimodo and Esmeralda get married and... oh, wait, no. She winds up with some other dude.
"The order goes: handsome guy, then the goat and then you, Quasimodo."
The Supposed Message:
Don't judge a book por its cover!
The Actual Message:
Ugly guys don't get the girl, even if they're devoted and awesome. That's just how it works, sorry.
From the first moment Quasimodo laid his misshapen eyes on her, the poor dope was madly in amor with Esmeralda. They seemed destined for each other. French society had dado both of them the middle finger, and they both liked sticking it to Frollo.
But just as Quasimodo was starting to feel good about himself, Esmeralda meets another guy: the dashing and completely non-deformed Captain Phoebus. And who in their right mind would pass up tall, dark and handsome for short, pale and abominable?
Quasimodo ended up alone while Phoebus and Esmeralda made some sweet, sweet gypsy magic. So for tu hideous guys out there, true amor and heroism is great and all, but at the end of the day, we just can't have tu infecting the gene pool.
#2. Sleeping Beauty: If a Guy Saves Your Ass, it Belongs to Him
There's always that one person who wasn't invited to the party for very good reasons, but feels they are entitled to mostrar up anyway. The party crasher in this disney movie happens to be a very powerful, very evil fairy named Maleficent who curses the birthday girl, Princess Aurora, to prick her finger on a spindle of all things and, well, die.
Suddenly, the música stops with a needle scratch and there's an awkward silence as the evil perra makes her exit. However, a fellow party-going fairy counteracts the curse por blessing the princess, saying that the princess will instead merely fall asleep until a prince--and she means any prince--comes along and pretty much fecha rapes her.
"Man, if any of tu were princes, I'd totally be giving it away for free, straight up. tu don't even know."
Sure enough, Aurora falls asleep. But then Prince Philip (who has been stalking the princess) kills Maleficent, then kisses the princess and probably enjoys a grope fest, which will remain the prince's little secret and Aurora's repressed memory as they live happily ever after.
The Supposed Message:
True amor will conquer all!
The Actual Message:
That guy who comes along and saves tu from a crisis? Marry him! He's the one!
"Let's just skip to the vows, I'm in a hurry."
When a rational woman wakes up to find a man practically on parte superior, arriba of her, their first instinct would be to reach for the mace. Not our princess; she basically didn't know his culo from Adam, but she went ahead and married the guy. One kiss at the right time, and she knew she had found Mr. Right.
tu may notice that this winds up as the exact polar opposite of the Hunchback of Notre Dame lesson, taken so far in the other direction that it winds up being even más wrong. Never mind that "compatibility" stuff and the all the time it takes for most folks to find out if they have it. If you're in a tough spot and a handsome guy saves the day, tu instantly belong to him. Forever and ever!
Though we guess it only works if you're not a hunchback.
#1. The zorro, fox and the Hound: Sometimes People Are Different, and That's Awful
After his mother gets capped and is presumably turned into a tasteful muro ornament, a little zorro, fox named Tod is taken in por an old woman to be raised on a farm. Tod eventually meets a hunting dog named Copper and the two hit it off.
Tod thinks the two will be friends forever, but over the winter Copper leaves on a hunting trip, and when he returns he's a full fledged fox-killing machine. When Tod goes to see Copper, he is attacked por Chief, Copper's mentor. Chief gets injured, and Copper makes it his mission in life to see former friend Tod meat packaged.
Eliminate on sight.
Copper and his owner eventually find Tod and try to take him down. When a oso, oso de jumps into the fight, Tod saves Copper and his owner. So they decide to call a truce, and the two go their separate ways.
The Supposed Message:
Even though we're different, we can still get along.
The Actual Message:
And por "get along" we mean "don't kill each other." We certainly do not mean "live together." Don't be silly, tu belong to different races!
Our zorro, fox and hound find their long friendship thoroughly obliterated and end up trying to kill each other. Only after the member of the pursued and persecuted race does a favor for his oppressor (when the hunted saves the hunter's life) does the hound grant the zorro, fox permission to continue living.
But not as equals; the hound returns to his inicial with the humans and the zorro, fox returns to the wild.
That is how we will heal our racial and socioeconomic differences: por separating ourselves. If only we could institute some kind of "segregation" where all of us could be with our own kind, none of this unpleasantness would happen.
Thanks for mostrando us the way, Mr. Disney!
Simba always knew that he was going to succeed his father, Mufasa, as the siguiente Lion King. But fate liked spitting in poor little Simba's face, and his dear old dad got trampled to death por wildebeests. Of course, Mufasa's death was really caused por the evil Scar, Simba's uncle.
Later, all grown up, he reclaims his thrown and Scar suffers the double whammy of falling off a cliff and getting torn apart por hyenas. So after two particularly nasty and horrendous deaths, Simba finally becomes the lion king.
The Supposed Message:
We all have responsibilities we can't ignore. And don't trust that creepy uncle.
The Actual Message:
In order for tu to be successful, other people will have to pay. And ultimately, that's okay, because the ends justify the means!
First tu have Scar, who knew he couldn't be king of the pridelands until that dick Mufasa and his brat son were out of the way. So Scar did away with both of them, killing Mufasa and banishing Simba, and, as a result, he got to be king for a descent amount of time.
Then when Simba started to grow some balls, he took back his throne... but only after Scar himself took a dirt nap. It's true that Simba didn't intentionally kill him, but tu know who did? The screenwriter. After all, the movie doesn't end with Simba convincing Scar to renounce his evil ways, o putting Scar in lion jail.
In fact, Lion Jail isn't even real.
No, the message was sent loud and clear: Simba could not be the true king unless Scar was dead. And they even arranged it so that Simba wouldn't have any of the pesky guilt that would have come with actually doing the deed himself. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except Scar of course, whose body was slowly pooped out por several hyenas the siguiente day.
#6. Cinderella: Sort of Like "The Secret"
cenicienta is forced por her bitchy stepmother to clean the house from stem to stern every day. The only thing that prevents her from swallowing a bottle of pain killers is her belief that someday her dreams will come true.
One día cenicienta plans to attend a ball thrown por the prince, but the fact that she has a cutthroat perra for a stepmother completely slipped her mind. She is forbidden from going.
Luckily, it turns out cenicienta has a fairy godmother, who uses her magic to hook cenicienta up with a ride, a beautiful outfit and a pair of what would seem like grossly impractical glass heels. At the ball cenicienta uses her innate flirting skills and rocks the prince's world, to the point that the siguiente día the prince whisks her away to be his princess.
The Supposed Message:
Dreams do come true!
The Actual Message:
If tu wait around long enough, the universe will practically hand stuff to you.
"Could tu fix my credit score while you're at it?"
No one is denying the fact that Cinderella's life was one big shit stain. But in her state of mind, she actually thought that her dreams would just sort of happen if she sat around being miserable long enough. It never occurred to her that she had the ability to just tell her stepmother to go fuck herself.
Instead she kept scrubbing floors and believing that, if she continued to wish very hard and take absolutely no action, everything would fall into place. And what do tu know, the perra gets a fucking kingdom out of it.
So don't worry, girls. Some kind of "Fairy Godmother" will sweep into your life at any moment, and find tu a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!
#5. The Little Mermaid: A Little Deal with the Devil Never Hurt Nobody
A little mermaid named Ariel, who is presumably little in título only since she has one impressively big rack, dreams of living her life on apuntalar, costa and finding her true love. Well, a clearly evil sea-witch named Ursula offers to give the naive mermaid legs in exchange for something she probably might need in the future: her voice.
When Ariel makes it to shore, she realizes the Sea-Bitch screwed her, as her legs work with the grace of a drunken paraplegic and she can't speak. So now she must somehow make Prince Eric fall in amor with her while appearing to be either mute o retarded.
por some miracle, the prince takes the bait (again, note the rack) but then Ursula, who in the cartoon seems to be portrayed as a black drag queen, goes after the couple. The prince is forced to kill Ursula por stabbing her with a ship. As a result, Ariel gets both her legs and her voice.
The Supposed Message:
True amor conquers all!
The Actual Message:
A little compromise with evil is okay, as long as everything works out okay in the end!
Ariel loved to sing, and she sang pretty damn well. But she wanted to live on apuntalar, costa and find amor so bad that she made a "deal" with a "devil" and "sells" her beautiful voice, o "soul" so to speak.
And guess what? It worked. Sure, the writers threw in some complications in the form of Prince Eric having to send Ursula straight to disney Hell, but the fact of the matter remains that Ariel would never have gotten to meet Prince Eric at all had she not compromised with the evil queen in the first place. She made a figurative deal with the devil, got everything she wanted and came out completely unscathed.
So keep that in mind if tu have to, say, sleep with some dude to get that actuación role. None of that will matter once tu achieve your dreams!
#4. Beauty and the Beast: Just Because He's Abusive, Doesn't Mean He's Not a Really Good Guy
After a spoiled prince pretty much tells an old beggar woman to fuck off, he is transformed into a beast, as it turns out the beggar is an enchantress. And she makes it very clear that until he learns to amor and thus is loved in return, there will be no ladies in his life and it's just going to be him and his hand for a very long time.
As luck would have it, there happens to be a woman out there named Belle with a corazón big enough to share with unfortunate-looking people such as the Beast, and she's not too bad to look at either. When her father is kidnapped por the Beast, Belle offers herself in exchange for his freedom.
Against all odds, they fall in love. The townspeople snap and try and kill the Beast, but because Belle admits she loves him, the Beast turns back into a man and the two live happily ever after.
The Supposed Message:
Treat others the way tu wish to be treated!
The Actual Message:
Underneath the abusive exterior of your man is a loving corazón he's just dying to share with you.
First of all, Belle was a prisoner in the Beast's fucking castle. Nothing says "I amor you" like house arrest. Secondly, he wasn't exactly whispering sweet nothings in her ear. The Beast hurled insults at Belle at every chance, and came close to pimp slapping the shit out of her on más than one occasion.
But she ignored all that unimportant trivia, because the Beast had a loving heart! Sure he gets angry sometimes, but that's just how he is. And, in the end, he turned back into a sexy, romantic prince. It's all good now.
Her patience paid off, girls, and it will for you, too! If tu just stick with it and don't judge your man too harshly. o call the cops.
#3. The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Ugly Dude Never Gets the Girl
Quasimodo is born with a hunched back and a face that only a mother could love. Too bad his mother gets killed por an asshole named Frollo.
Quasimodo moves into the campana tower of a cathedral and becomes the hunchback of Notre Dame. He then winds up in a amor triángulo, triángulo de with the lovely gypsy Esmeralda and the aforementioned Frollo.
When spurned por the girl, Frollo tries to burn Esmeralda at the stake. Quasimodo rescues her and, after that, the twisted, malformed freak is able to freely go out in public without people pointing and shaking their fists at the sky in reaction to God's twisted design. Quasimodo and Esmeralda get married and... oh, wait, no. She winds up with some other dude.
"The order goes: handsome guy, then the goat and then you, Quasimodo."
The Supposed Message:
Don't judge a book por its cover!
The Actual Message:
Ugly guys don't get the girl, even if they're devoted and awesome. That's just how it works, sorry.
From the first moment Quasimodo laid his misshapen eyes on her, the poor dope was madly in amor with Esmeralda. They seemed destined for each other. French society had dado both of them the middle finger, and they both liked sticking it to Frollo.
But just as Quasimodo was starting to feel good about himself, Esmeralda meets another guy: the dashing and completely non-deformed Captain Phoebus. And who in their right mind would pass up tall, dark and handsome for short, pale and abominable?
Quasimodo ended up alone while Phoebus and Esmeralda made some sweet, sweet gypsy magic. So for tu hideous guys out there, true amor and heroism is great and all, but at the end of the day, we just can't have tu infecting the gene pool.
#2. Sleeping Beauty: If a Guy Saves Your Ass, it Belongs to Him
There's always that one person who wasn't invited to the party for very good reasons, but feels they are entitled to mostrar up anyway. The party crasher in this disney movie happens to be a very powerful, very evil fairy named Maleficent who curses the birthday girl, Princess Aurora, to prick her finger on a spindle of all things and, well, die.
Suddenly, the música stops with a needle scratch and there's an awkward silence as the evil perra makes her exit. However, a fellow party-going fairy counteracts the curse por blessing the princess, saying that the princess will instead merely fall asleep until a prince--and she means any prince--comes along and pretty much fecha rapes her.
"Man, if any of tu were princes, I'd totally be giving it away for free, straight up. tu don't even know."
Sure enough, Aurora falls asleep. But then Prince Philip (who has been stalking the princess) kills Maleficent, then kisses the princess and probably enjoys a grope fest, which will remain the prince's little secret and Aurora's repressed memory as they live happily ever after.
The Supposed Message:
True amor will conquer all!
The Actual Message:
That guy who comes along and saves tu from a crisis? Marry him! He's the one!
"Let's just skip to the vows, I'm in a hurry."
When a rational woman wakes up to find a man practically on parte superior, arriba of her, their first instinct would be to reach for the mace. Not our princess; she basically didn't know his culo from Adam, but she went ahead and married the guy. One kiss at the right time, and she knew she had found Mr. Right.
tu may notice that this winds up as the exact polar opposite of the Hunchback of Notre Dame lesson, taken so far in the other direction that it winds up being even más wrong. Never mind that "compatibility" stuff and the all the time it takes for most folks to find out if they have it. If you're in a tough spot and a handsome guy saves the day, tu instantly belong to him. Forever and ever!
Though we guess it only works if you're not a hunchback.
#1. The zorro, fox and the Hound: Sometimes People Are Different, and That's Awful
After his mother gets capped and is presumably turned into a tasteful muro ornament, a little zorro, fox named Tod is taken in por an old woman to be raised on a farm. Tod eventually meets a hunting dog named Copper and the two hit it off.
Tod thinks the two will be friends forever, but over the winter Copper leaves on a hunting trip, and when he returns he's a full fledged fox-killing machine. When Tod goes to see Copper, he is attacked por Chief, Copper's mentor. Chief gets injured, and Copper makes it his mission in life to see former friend Tod meat packaged.
Eliminate on sight.
Copper and his owner eventually find Tod and try to take him down. When a oso, oso de jumps into the fight, Tod saves Copper and his owner. So they decide to call a truce, and the two go their separate ways.
The Supposed Message:
Even though we're different, we can still get along.
The Actual Message:
And por "get along" we mean "don't kill each other." We certainly do not mean "live together." Don't be silly, tu belong to different races!
Our zorro, fox and hound find their long friendship thoroughly obliterated and end up trying to kill each other. Only after the member of the pursued and persecuted race does a favor for his oppressor (when the hunted saves the hunter's life) does the hound grant the zorro, fox permission to continue living.
But not as equals; the hound returns to his inicial with the humans and the zorro, fox returns to the wild.
That is how we will heal our racial and socioeconomic differences: por separating ourselves. If only we could institute some kind of "segregation" where all of us could be with our own kind, none of this unpleasantness would happen.
Thanks for mostrando us the way, Mr. Disney!
