Once Upon a Time recap: 'A Pirate's Life' 

Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison, Lana Parrilla

I’d like to make a deal with the writers of

. I am happy to try to invest in keeping all of the various realms, timelines, and multiple names straight if they promise to introduce a motley crew of Captain Hooks throughout the remainder of the season. Because everyone knows that a world with Colin O’Donoghue in tight black leather is a better world. Even if he is overweight, drunk, sporting a very bad wig, it will always be a pirate’s life for me.

Captain Hook is a hero; therefore, he needs to be able to save the day at a moment’s notice. That’s why Storybrooke Killian gives young Henry a bottle that can literally carry a voice message, should the need ever arise. Luckily, Henry never needs that handy bottle in all of his years traipsing around realms, until Lady Tremaine goes after him for “killing” the prince at the ball. Henry sends an S.O.S. message through the bottle, begging Emma, Regina, and Captain Hook to save him from Lady Tremaine.

The scene switches to Seattle Henry opening the door for Officer Rogers. You know, the non-hooked version of Captain Hook. It seems the good officer read Henry’s book and wants to know: Who is the fetching young blond woman with the kicky red bomber jacket? Henry admits that he made up the character of “Emma Swan” and then asks about Jacinda and Lucy. The mother-daughter duo aren’t doing so hot since Henry threw them under the bus.

Apparently Lucy has a ballet recital and the horrid Victoria Belfrey jacked up ticket prices so Jacinda can’t afford to see her daughter perform. Vicky doesn’t believe in second chances. Later, Henry tries to plead his case to Jacinda, begging for her forgiveness. But with the news of the astronomical dance ticket prices, she makes Henry talk to the hand since she is no damsel in distress. Jacinda leaves in a huff, presumably to fry and sell chicken.

Back in the other realm, Henry is taken prisoner and sentenced in a bedroom, which is weird because I would have thought outlaws go to jail. Details. Lady Tremaine gives Drizella orders to torture Henry until he spills the beans about where he hid Cinderella’s slipper. Driz taunts him with her trusty dagger, and just before she starts shoving blades under fingernails, a portal opens. Out jump Killian, who kills the guards, and Regina, who renders Drizella unconscious with one swoop of her hand. Go team!

Regina all but cries when she sees her son grown up. Henry prattles on about Emma’s whereabouts, and Hook quickly says something about the savior fighting dragons. When Henry hightails it out of the room, Regina lays into Hook for straight-up lying to Henry. Oh, I do love good intrigue!

Emma’s story will have to wait, because now we are back in Hyperion Heights. Victoria hires Rumple Weaver, who rocks a little denim on denim, and Rogers to “make a problem go away.” That problem’s name is Henry. Weaver heads straight to Roni’s bar for some light recon. Roni’s lips are sealed. Before Rogers leaves, Roni warns him to be careful with his new partner. Then she jumps on the bar and dances

Meanwhile, Storybrooke Regina tries to do a locator spell on the slipper, but her magic isn’t really working. Hook smells saltwater and wisely deduces that where there is a sea, there are pirates, and where there are pirates, there’s a portal. If a woman came through with a glass slipper, these jokers would have noticed. Far-fetched, but I’ll allow it.

Hook barrels into the tavern area and is accosted by a drunk old beggar man who happens to share his face. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: Drunk Killian lives in this realm! He tells Killian that their stories were parallel up until a certain time. Where Killian found love with Emma Swan, Drunk Killian did not. He found misery, heartbreak, and rum. Lots and lots of rum.

Drunk Killian, with a very bad wig and lots of prosperity around his middle section, has been looking for his own Emma Swan for years. You can imagine his surprise when the answer literally landed in his hands earlier that day as a young man’s voice in a bottle begged for Emma to help him. I guess the Captain Hook message-in-a-bottle works for all Captain Hooks in any realm?

Then Drunk Killian knocks out regular Killian, draws a little of his blood, and covers him with a blanket conveniently folded by a stack of hay. He then makes his way to Lady Tremaine, promising to help her with Henry Mills if she transforms his plump current body into one that matches Storybrooke Killian. It’s a good thing Lady T jacked the fairy godmother’s wand, because this request is super easy. Drunk Killian is now as hot as Storybrooke Killian. #twinning (

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