[Shot of squash court, two girls, best friends, playing against each other. After the game, shot of changing room, they are just about to leave.]

Anna (1st girl): I’ll see tu tomorrow. Give tu another thrashing.

Leah (2nd girl): Yeah, we’ll see about that! (laughs) Need a lift?

Anna: No, I’ll walk home.

Leah: OK. Bye

Anna: Bye

[Both girls leave at the same time. Leah gets in her car and drives off. Anna is walking in the same direction. Shot of her heart, beating normally. Shot of her walking. Another shot of her heart, now beating erratically. Shot of her vomiting, then collapsing.]

Credits

[Shot of PPTH from above, changes to corridor, where House and Wilson are walking.]

Wilson: Female, 27 years old, high BP, vomiting, back pain. All signs of a corazón attack.

House: See. Squash can kill ya!

Wilson: Still doesn’t explain it. She’s too young...

House: So? Teenagers are too young to have kids, doesn’t stop them.

Wilson: Whatever. Here’s the file.

[Wilson hands the file over to House. House pauses for a while as Wilson is walking away.]

House: You’re happy.

[Wilson turns around.]

Wilson: What?

House: tu didn’t bother reasoning with me. Unless it’s because tu know you’re never going to win an argument against me. But you’ve still been doing it for all these years, so tu wouldn’t stop now.

Wilson: What’s your point?

House: tu got laid last night.

Wilson: You’ve dicho that so many times, it’s lost all meaning.

House: So, who was it? Hooker? No, they’re not needy enough for you. It must be someone tu know. Are tu happy because tu got laid and didn’t have to pay o use an inflatable doll?

Wilson: You’re an ass.

[Wilson walks away.]

House (yelling): You’ve dicho that so many times, it’s lost all meaning!

Wilson (shouting back): Deal with your patient House!

[Scene changes to House’s outer office, where the trio are sitting with Foreman waiting for him, as he hobbles in.]

[House grabs a chair and sits down, looking at them. All of them are confused.]

Foreman: What’s the case House?

House: Oh, this. (waves file around) Read it. (throws it at Foreman)

Foreman: How does a 27 año old have a corazón attack?

House: How about giving me an answer instead of question?

[Foreman continues talking but House doesn’t hear anything, pondering on a different thought. Then he hobbles back out again, once again leaving the others confused.]

House: Run some tests and don’t bother me until tu get the answer.

[They go off as told.]

[Scene changes to Cuddy’s office, she’s on the phone, House marches in there]

Cuddy (on phone): Sorry I’ll have to call tu back.

Cuddy: What is it House?

House: Extra cleavage and extra high heels. Did tu go on a fecha last night?

Cuddy: What?

House: It’s just that you’re happy and horny.

Cuddy: I’m happy because you’re doing your clinic duty.

House: No I’m not.

Cuddy: I know. It was a hint.

House: Doesn’t explain why you’re horny.

Cuddy: That’s because I’m not horny.

House: The bra never lies.

Cuddy: I thought everybody lied.

House: Bras can’t breathe, especially when tu wear them.

[He walks out.]

[Scene changes to pathology lab]

Kutner: What are we looking for?

Thirteen: What we’re always looking for: Abnormalities.

Kutner: Shouldn’t we check her history?

Foreman: Again?

Kutner: She might have lied before.

Taub: She’d lie again.

Thirteen: tu guys spend way too much time with House.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House storms in.]

House: Is it Cuddy?

Wilson: No.

House: Even with the extra cleavage and extra high heels?

Wilson: I didn’t notice.

House: The hell tu didn’t! Someone made her horny.

Wilson: Not me.

House: Then who made tu horny?

Wilson: You’re right. I can’t hide it from tu any longer. It was Cuddy.

House: Really?

Wilson: No! You’re an idiot. Why do tu care about my sex life anyway?

House: I don’t. I’m just bored. Boring people who have boring sex interest me.

Wilson: Boring?

House: Oh wait, you’re Dr Panty Peeler. Forget what I just said.

[House walks out and Wilson shakes his head, then sits back down.]

[Scene change: Outer office.]

House: Well, is she a liar then?

Thirteen: No. She’s perfectly healthy.

House: Perfectly healthy people don’t have corazón attacks.

Kutner: She doesn’t smoke, drink, do drugs o anything.

Taub: She’s a vegetarian and she does yoga every morning.

Foreman: Nothing fits.

House: There has to be something.

[His pager beeps.]

House: And now she’s coughing up blood.

House (to Thirteen): Still sure she’s healthy?

[Scene change: Anna’s room]

[Leah is there now along with Anna’s fiancé and parents.]

[Cut to House’s outer office.]

House (writing on the board): So we had high BP, vomiting and back pain initially, pointing towards a corazón attack. Now she’s coughing up blood – not consistent with a corazón attack. Differential guys!

Foreman: Are we sure it’s even a corazón attack? She’s young, physically active, and there are no signs of atherosclerosis that would lead to one, and there is absolutely no damage to the corazón muscle. There’s no consistency.

House: Life’s a mystery.

Taub: No it’s not. The respuestas are always there, we’re just looking in the wrong place. tu see it as a mystery because tu see this as some sort of puzzle tu have to solve before time runs out. tu play a game with people, against people, but tu don’t ever talk to the patient which would help tu in any diagnosis and stop this from being a mystery.

House: Oh, so now you’re turning into Foreman. Why not go full whack, get yourself a criminal record and turn yourself black? Oh wait, but you’re married. Well that can be sorted out if I just told your wife tu cheated on her and took this job that tu hate so much to save your own ass. How about that?

[Taub doesn’t answer, just looks down at the piece of paper on the mesa, tabla and fiddles with his pen.]

House: Right, now we’re done with the lectures. Differential would be nice, it is what you’re getting paid for after all.

Thirteen: Maybe it isn’t a corazón attack.

House: We’ve just been through this...

Thirteen: What if it’s...

House: Don’t say lupus. It’s never lupus.

Thirteen: How do tu know?! We haven’t tested for it.

House: Fine. Go and test for it.

[Scene cuts to ER, where Cameron is busy dealing with a patient who has been stabbed.]

[House is seen hobbling towards her.]

Cameron: What do tu want House?

House: Why do women always say that to me?

Cameron: I’m not even going to lista the reasons.

House: Are tu doing Wilson?

[Cameron looks up at him in disbelief, then goes back to attending her patient.]

Cameron: No. I’m doing Chase.

House: So?

Cameron: I’m not doing Wilson.

House: Then why are your cheeks so red?

Cameron: I’ve been running around this place for the last seven hours!

House: Right.

[Cut to House’s outer office.]

House: Well?

Thirteen (defeated): No. It’s not lupus.

House: See. It’s never lupus.

Kutner: What about aspartame poisoning?

Thirteen: No. She’s too healthy to consume that much aspartame; she doesn’t drink soft drinks and she doesn’t use sweeteners...

House: Have tu done an MRI? Checked for tumours, lesions?

Foreman: Can’t be aspartame poisoning, no signs of lymphoma. Her immune system is fine; she hadn’t contracted HIV.

House: And tu know all this, how?

Taub: We talked to the patient.

House: There once was a great philosopher who cited ‘Everybody lies’.

Foreman: It’s stupid to call yourself a philosopher.

House: Yet tu clearly think I am. I read your essay, tu can’t fool me.

[Foreman looks shocked then realises he was lying, but it’s too late because House has a smirk on his face, knowing it’s true.]

House: OK, tu two (points at Kutner and Thirteen) go check out her house. Anything containing aspartame, tu let me know; anything weird, tu let me know; anything naughty, tu let me know.

[Kutner and Thirteen leave.]

House: tu two, run an MRI.

[Foreman and Taub leave.]

[Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to Wilson’s office.]

Wilson: House! I told you, I didn’t get laid! Why did tu pester Cuddy and Cameron?

House: tu know them, so I figured you’d sleep with them.

Wilson: There’s no logic to this.

[Wilson is waving his arms around every time he speaks, House is eating Wilson’s sandwich.]

House: Well, it’s pretty clear to me. tu know someone, they open up to you, they seem needy because of it, tu want to fix them, and tu sleep with them.

Wilson: How about talking to your patient instead of bugging me and eating my lunch.

[Wilson grabs his lunch back off of House.]
House: Charlotte’s fine.

Wilson: Her name’s Anna Wesner. She’s 27, engaged, and hoping you’ll find something to get her better. Talk to her.

[House stopped listening when Wilson mentioned she was engaged and started thinking. Then he walked back out of the office.]

[Cut to Anna’s house.]

Thirteen: Find anything?

Kutner: A six-pack of cerveza under the bed. But that could belong to her fiancé.

Thirteen: How can tu be so sure?

Kutner: It was hiding with these.

[Kutner holds up some porn magazines.]

Thirteen: Could be hers.

Kutner: Just because tu oscilación that way, doesn’t mean she does.

[Thirteen looks at him defensively.]

Kutner: Just saying.

[Kutner shrugs.]

Thirteen: No sweeteners, no soft drinks. Nothing containing aspartame.

[Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to MRI.]

Foreman: No lesions, no tumour.

Taub: Tests for HIV were negative. I tested her fiancé too. Nothing.

[Cut to outer office.]

House: Tell me tu found something interesting.

Thirteen: It’s not aspartame poisoning.

Kutner: There’s nothing containing aspartame in her house.

Foreman: MRI shows no lesions o tumour.

Taub: She doesn’t have HIV o anything that would weaken her immune system, so no chance of lymphoma.

House: OK, so we know it’s not lupus (looks at Thirteen) and not aspartame poisoning (looks at Kutner). So, what else can it be?

Taub: What about vasculitis?

Foreman: No rashes.

Taub: But she coughed up blood. Maybe the rashes haven’t developed yet.

House: Indecisive (points at Thirteen) check her for rashes. Kutner, help her do a CAT scan to check for bleeding into the lung after she’s done.

[Thirteen and Kutner leave.]

[Shot of PPTH from above. Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

House: How can tu be busy for the siguiente two months?

Cuddy: I work, speaking of which, tu have four hours of clinic duty to do today.

House: I have a case.

Cuddy: Talk to your patient.

House: Come on, it’s just dinner. tu went on two dates with Wilson, but won’t go on one with me.

Cuddy: Those weren’t dates.

House: Tell that to Jimmy boy.

Cuddy: Fine. Dinner. siguiente Friday. I’ll meet tu at the restaurant. tu humiliate me, I’ll walk out, and it’ll never be spoken of again.

House: So it’s a date.

Cuddy: It’s not a date, it’s dinner.

House: Either way I’m getting lucky!

[Cuddy glares at him.]

House: Not you. There’s a hot waitress there.

[Cut to outer office.]

Thirteen: No rashes anywhere.

Kutner: There was blood in the lungs, but we knew that already when she coughed up blood. Doesn’t mean vasculitis.

Foreman: White count hasn’t risen; it’s normal.

House: What about red? Has it dropped?

Foreman: No, it’s normal. No signs of anaemia o vasculitis.

Taub: Ulcer?

Foreman: No, she wouldn’t have collapsed from it before from an ulcer.

[House has just realised what it is and walks out leaving the others once again confused.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House storms in.]

Wilson: I heard tu and Cuddy have a fecha coming up...

House: Not now Wilson. I need a consult.

Wilson: For whom?

House: My patient.

[House walks out.]

[Cut to Anna’s room.]

Thirteen: I’m sorry, it’s terminal.

[Cut to outside the room, where her parents, her fiancé and Leah have just received the same news.]

Wilson: We weren’t aware of the history of cancer, so we didn’t check into it. The MRI didn’t mostrar the tumour up so we didn’t suspect cancer. With the segundo MRI, the tumour was too big for us to do anything. I’m sorry.

[Cut to House in his office, throwing a ball against the wall. Zoom into window behind him, and outside.]

[End credits.]