escritura Nightfall #1 (Complete Rewrite)

adamk posted on Mar 27, 2013 at 03:01AM
For all those who read my original "Nightfall series, I'm in the process of completely rewriting the first book, as in new characters, new events, etc. if this proves popular with you guys, I might rewrite the next books. This is also the first novel I've written in first person POV. I'm adding A LOT of new story elements, so even if you read the originals, you should check these out, I think they'll be much better. Hope you guys like it!

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hace más de un año adamk said…

The year is 1850. My name is Ashley Garland; I live in the small town of Crystal Falls, on the west coast of the United States. At the moment, I am being hunted, by what I do not currently know. All I know at present about my foe is that I fear for my life. In fact this whole ordeal has been about a week in the making. About a week ago, the people of Crystal Falls were gathered in the town hall, when a man suddenly began pounding on the door, pleading for help. After some of the citizens finally overcame their initial shock and opened the door, the man outside had collapsed to the ground, and was bleeding profusely from his neck. My father, the town’s doctor Richard Garland, immediately brought him home to give him a look-over. As my mother and I waited in the living room anxiously wondering if the man would be all right, my father worked tirelessly before coming out to tell us the man suffered from a neck wound, and was lucky to have survived at all. Yet at the same time, he was at a loss to explain what would cause such an epidemic like this. Ultimately, as the man did not regain consciousness, we decided to leave him in my father’s clinic overnight. However, after the incident, I had trouble sleeping, I had the suspicious feeling I was being watched, and I didn’t like it one bit, yet I could not for the life of me figure out what it was that was giving me the feeling. The following day, my father left early for the clinic, his night watchman had nothing to report on the unconscious man who lay on a bed in the back of the clinic. The man did not regain consciousness for the rest of the day, but the whole town was anxious to know what it was that had attacked him. My father made a leap of logic that said the bite mark appeared to be human, but this information caused somewhat of a panic. The town was wondering who in their right mind would attack a man like it had happened. The answer, it seemed, would remain a mystery until the man regained consciousness, if that ever would occur, which according to my father was doubtful at best. Still, he had rationalized, it was only a guess. And the area that had been bitten had two marks that would be too deep for human teeth to break the skin without the others following. For the moment, people seemed to calm down about the incident, but still curiosity remained amongst the townspeople. That night, I got the sensation once more that I was being watched. I kept telling myself it wasn’t so, but I still felt the feel of eyes creeping over me. The following morning, I awoke to find the window of my bedroom wide open, despite knowing that I had shut it the previous night, I shrugged it off, thinking against hope that the wind had blown it open. The day went by uneventfully, and my father tended to his other patients, however it was becoming increasingly evident at home that he was fascinated by the wound’s origin, and as the man had still not regained consciousness, it was still very much a mystery what had happened to him, except that he had lost a lot of blood over a short period of time, still, this news only made the townspeople more uneasy, although it would turn out to be nothing like it would be over the next few days. That afternoon, I walked down to the coast, and spent the entire rest of the day hearing rumors from the townspeople about what had caused the bite, and human or not, was the attacker still around nearby? All the rumors made me somewhat uneasy, as dusk finally arrived; my mother came and got me from the coast, telling me my father would be working in the clinic overnight, and that she didn’t want me out after dark until there was an explanation for the attack. As we walked back home, I felt a pair of eyes locked on me, there was nobody nearby, so I decided that that was impossible. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling. Once we got home, I said goodbye to my parents and before climbing into my bed, closed and locked the window. That night, I began having dreams where I was being chased by something; much like the situation I am in at this very moment, however in my nightmares, the thing chasing me was VERY inhuman. Once I awoke the fourth morning, I immediately checked my window, and found it was closed this time, but one thing still remained, the lock was not latched as I had made certain of the night before. I immediately decided to let my parents know of the incident. Once I went downstairs however, my mother explained my father was at the clinic, as it seemed that his latest patient had finally responded somewhat to treatment. By somewhat, it meant that he had not yet gained consciousness at present, but it could mean his full recovery was not far off, and in a way, it wasn’t. After another sleepless night passed, this time without incident, my father came home early, telling my mother that the man had finally regained consciousness. The three of us walked to his clinic, and the first thing I noticed was the crowd outside the building. It seemed that everyone in town was there, anxiously awaiting any news from the patient. My father walked into the clinic, and motioned for us to follow him. Before shutting the door, he addressed the crowd. “My patient needs rest. Any news on his situation will be revealed whenever he feels he is able to talk about it. Good day.”
With that, the townspeople reluctantly returned to their homes or work or wherever they were needed. My mother and I followed my father into the back of the clinic. The only other person in the room was my father’s assistant Perry, who smiled upon seeing us. “He’s lost consciousness again Dr. Garland. But this time it seemed it was because of exhaustion.” “Thank you Perry. Did he say anything?” Perry nodded. “It didn’t make any sense. He said a man attacked him, but… it wasn’t human... exactly…” My father nodded. “Thank you Perry. But you’re right. That doesn’t make any sense at all.” Perry nodded. “I’m sorry. Maybe he’ll remember more when he wakes up.” he replied. With that, Perry left the room. “It really is nice to see you again Mrs. Garland.” He said, addressing my mother, before turning to me. And of course you too. Ashley. By the way, I’m sorry I didn’t make your birthday party. How old are you again?” he asked. “Seventeen.” I replied. Perry nodded. “Well happy birthday. I’ll send you your belated birthday present soon. I insist.” Before I could say anything, he had left the clinic. My father examined his patient again. “What happened to the marks on his neck?” I asked him. “They’re gone. I’ve never seen anything like it. They disappeared when he woke up this morning.” ”It’s bizarre.” My mother noted thoughtfully. After awhile, Perry came back to see us. “Dr. Garland, another person has been attacked!” My father immediately stood up. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Perry hesitated before answering. “Same marks in the neck, except…” he struggled to find the words. “Except what?” asked my father. “He’s dead. Completely drained of blood.” He trailed off again before speaking. “It was Douglas.” He replied. “You’re telling me that Douglas Groves, the MAYOR of this town, is dead?” he asked. Perry nodded. “They found him just after dusk.” My father looked positively spooked by this news. “Wait here.” He said to my mother and me before turning to Perry. “Perry, keep them safe. I’m begging you.” Perry nodded without a word. My father turned to us. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He said, before walking out the door. I noted Perry lock it before he left. My mother suggested I go to sleep, until my father came back. Seeing as it was now around ten o’clock, I agreed, not knowing that it would be the last time I would see her. Around one I awoke in the bed my father kept in the back for Perry, who did not have a home of his own in town. I immediately felt that something was wrong. I called for my mother. No answer. I called again, no answer. I called for Perry. No answer. Feeling helpless, I climbed out of the bed and walked out into the hall. I immediately noted the blood on the floor near the entryway. Racked with fear, my mind was unsure of what to expect as I walked down the hallway dreading what I already guessed what was on the other end of the door. My fears were realized as I looked into that room and saw two bodies on the ground. My mother on the right, her neck torn into and bleeding out, Perry’s to the right, basically torn into so bad I was amazed that there was still blood dripping from his neck, and by that I mean that there was any blood left to drip out at all. My mother stared into my eyes, attempting to speak. “Asssshhhllleeyyy…” she gasped, it seemed to me she was pleading. “I’ll get dad.” I yelled frantically, and to my surprise, she beckoned me to come back. “Don’t let him get you…” I watched in horror as her eyes closed for the final time, and she went limp. I turned and looked at Perry, lying motionless in a pool of his own blood. He was already dead, I realized. I got up to leave, when I saw someone blocking the door. Their eyes were yellow, and the teeth… my god, the teeth… I’d never seen anything like them. I knew I was in immediate danger, and that I wasn’t getting out that way. Blindly, I turned and ran back through the hallway I’d just come through a moment ago. I ran to the back room, and blocked the door with a chair, before climbing out the window in the room. As I raced into the woods behind the building, I heard the chair I’d used to block the door smash into pieces behind me. As I got deeper into the woods, I thought I’d lost my pursuer, only to hear the footsteps still following me. This pretty much sums up how I got into this situation in the first place. Do I glance behind me? I ponder. Ultimately, I decide to take a look. This is a poor choice, within seconds I crash into a tree. I collapse to the ground, filled with pain, I lose track of how long I lay in pain there on the floor of the forest. For all I know, I lost consciousness at some point. I am not sure. After awhile, I realize I have to try to get moving again. I try and fail to pull myself to my feet; I nearly try again before I hear the footsteps again. “Ashley!” calls out a voice. A familiar voice. Yet at the same time, I know it is not possible, for the person the voice belongs to is dead… Suddenly, I hear a snapping sound. A screech I know I’ll never forget fills the night. Then, I hear the footsteps again, this time at a slower pace. “Ashley!” calls the voice. I look up, and wonder if I’m still lying in the bed in the backroom dreaming, because the person I see is Perry. He offers me his hand. I take it and allow him to pull me to my feet. “You… How’re you?”
I stutter. Perry shrugs. “He just knocked me down is all.” He replies. “Who? Who was it chasing me?” I ask him. “Your dad’s patient.” He says. But don’t worry about him now. He’s dead.” I am at a loss for words. “But you… YOU were dead! Your neck, I was ripped open I saw it!” Perry’s smile fades. “You saw that?” he asks. When I nod, his expression turns dark. “Dang it.” He mutters. “That patient, what WAS he Perry?” Perry turns to me. “You want the truth Ashley?” I nod, and he sighs. “You know what Ash? I’m not hungry anymore, so I guess I’ll cut you a break. But at the same time, I can’t let you go. Not after this. See where being nosy gets you?” I stutter. “What do you mean ‘hungry’?” I ask. Perry sighs, and before I can do anything, I am pushed back against the tree. The pain from before returns, and I find myself unable to move. As I gasp for breath, I feel an even worse pain in my neck. Then everything goes black…
hace más de un año adamk said…
OCTOBER 26, 1995:10:57 PM
It is nearly eleven when I pull to a stop outside of Saint Packie’s Bar in Santa Barbara. On this particular evening, I feel like doing some vigilante justice, if my sources are correct, which of course they will be, my victim will be inside the bar searching for his latest victim. Such irony, I think to myself. He will soon die in one of the most horrible ways imaginable, although this is only my plan A. If any problems proceed, there are always better ways of dispatching my victims. I show my ID to the security officer, and he allows me to enter the bar. Being a vampire, I have the ability to appear to be twenty one or any age at will, so this is not a problem. As I enter the bar, I scan it for my target. I immediately spot him chatting up a pretty young blonde girl on the opposite side of the bar. She appears to be college aged, and apparently has no idea who she is really chatting with. The only reason I know is that my contacts in the Santa Barbara Police Department have leaked the information to me. I smile, despite their whole “the law is the law” pledge, the local authorities are surprisingly corrupt. They know how I operate, and yet they have no way of tracking me, because when I meet the officers on the streets, I use my hypnotic powers to temporarily petrify them so that I can look through their files on who they are tracking at that time. Stuff like robbery or grand theft auto, I don’t pay much attention too. But the murderer’s and such who only walk free because they have friends in high places… I don’t know. There’s something about that that just riles my nerves to the point of fury. Take tonight’s lucky victim for example. He’s a serial murderer who has killed at least six women in the Santa Barbara area. He only walks free because of the lack of evidence. He’s been questioned of course, but all the “evidence” is cleaned up by his half brother, who just happens to be in Congress, and instructs higher ranking officials in the SBPD to “play dumb” to his brother’s activities, so that there won’t be a scandal. He blackmails them with proof of their own corruption. The one thing I hate more than anything is killing for the fun of it, which is what my target does. The fact that he walks free because of corruption only makes me want to kill him more. True, I will enjoy it, but there is another reason to take into account. I have not fed on blood for weeks. I always try to hold off on it as long as I can, and yet, I still need it to survive. I take a seat at the bar in a position I can keep an eye on my victim, who is still chatting with the blonde from earlier. I order a cocktail and sip it. Alcohol has little to no affect on me. I could easily drink a hundred Irishmen under the table, and yet, I am fond of the taste of it. I watch my victim as he continues his conversation. He buys her a drink,
but he himself only orders a Coke. I watch them for a little while longer until the girl is obviously drunk. He offers to give her a ride, and she accepts. As they walk out of the bar, I follow at a discreet distance behind them. The man takes her to his car, and opens the door for her. Such a gentleman, I think sarcastically. I climb into my car, and follow them once more at a discreet distance. After awhile, he takes her to one of the piers on the coast. I park a ways behind, and watch as he forces the poor girl out of the car. He tosses her to the ground and pulls out a knife. Immediately, I swoop into action and kick the knife out of his hand. I move so fast all he sees is a blur. The girl is still screaming when I rip into his neck. I hungrily drain his upper body of blood within minutes. He gasps for breath as I lay him down gently on the sand. “Please…” he begs. “Now you know what its like, don’t you?” Being seconds from death and lying in pain dying knowing there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s what all those women you killed felt before you took their lives away from them.” I see fear in his eyes, and feel no sympathy as I snap his neck. This I felt, was an act of mercy he didn’t deserve, as bleeding out is a much more painful demise in the long run. I turn to the girl, who is still crying from the horror she’s just seen. I place an anonymous call to the police, and keep an eye on her from a distance until they arrive. I return to my car, and drive back to my home in downtown Santa Barbara. I walk in the door and into the living room and turn on the TV before sitting on the couch. For some odd reason, I feel compelled to turn on the news, and when I do, I’m shocked at the headline story. It comes from my hometown of Crystal Falls. “In other news, the rapid sting of what the police are officially calling murders continues tonight here in Crystal Falls, California. Just minutes ago the body of sixteen year old Patricia Green was found dead in the principal’s office of Crystal Falls High School. This is the eleventh death with the M.O. of the killer that the police are officially naming “The Vampire” due to the M.O. of the victim’s blood being drained from their body. All the victims thus far are students ranging from the ages of fifteen and eighteen. And along with M.O. the victims share one other thing. A message left by the killer that reads “TLB:MFHB” as of now, the police are stumped at the meaning of this message, and are asking anyone with information on the murders to come forward, before the killer strikes again.” At this point I turn off the TV, because I now know who is responsible for the murders, whether directly or not. I decide right then and there I’m returning to Crystal Falls. Tonight. I pack up my things and toss them in the trunk of my car. I’ve already got an apartment rented out in the town, which I’ve always kept in case of a situation like this. After I finish loading up the trunk, I climb in the car and crank the ignition. It is a two hour drive from Santa Barbara to Crystal Falls, but I need not worry about speeding because with it being three in the morning, there is a severe lack of traffic. I know right then and there I may not be leaving town alive. But it is a chance I must take, for the sake of everyone who lives there.
hace más de un año adamk said…
OCTOBER 27, 1995
It is five AM when I finally enter Crystal Falls. The sun has not yet appeared over the horizon. After entering the town, I spare no time searching for the apartment complex. I spot it after driving around the suburban area for about fifteen minutes. I park my car outside of the building I am looking for, and climb up two flights of stairs to unlock the door. Then, I race down the stairs and quickly grab all my things I packed and move them into the apartment with ease. I switch on the news and find that another victim has been found near the school with similar M.O. to the other killings in the area. I’ve already determined the high-school is the area most of the victims were found. Seeing as how it’s a school day, I make a few quick phone calls and register myself as a student. I choose to use my real name, since I hope to draw out the murderer. I am pleased to learn I will be able to attend later in the day. I hang up the phone, wondering if the message was already intercepted, I wouldn’t put it past Perry or Pike as he likes to be called nowadays, to have planted bugs all over the apartment, as it is registered under my name after all. I look at the clock and see that only twenty minutes have passed. As a lie back on the couch, I can’t help but remember my first days as a vampire…
Four days have passed since I was “found” by Perry in the forest and brought back to town. My father had returned that night to find my mother dead, his patient gone, and Perry standing there with me on the table with bite marks in my neck. Perry explained that the patient had caught him off guard, and knocked him out, when he awoke, my mother was dead and I was lying on the floor with puncture wounds in my neck. The morning after, the townspeople found the patient’s body in the forest, decapitated, they had decided, and this only made them more confused towards the situation. Over the next few days, I lie unconscious, while my father grieves over his wife’s death, and the possible death of his only daughter in the days to come. Much like the man before me, after five days of unconsciousness, I open my eyes at around ten PM. My father lies asleep on the couch of the clinic. The last five days had been unbearably hard on him. Perry sat across from me in a chair. His eyes locked into mine. “How do you feel? And don’t wake up your father if you want him to survive the night. Do you understand?” he asks. I nod, and he smiles. Why don’t we take a walk? He asks.
I awaken from my slumber at about seven. I am shocked. Vampires don’t usually sleep at all. Sure, I need an hour or two here and there, but they are few and far between, and as I grow older, much less frequent. I glance at the clock. I have an hour before classes start at the high-school. I change into more appropriate clothes for such an occasion. I look into the mirror to see if there are any stains of blood on me at all from the night before. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a reflection. If I did not, people may know what I am easier. There are still splotches of blood on my neck, so I quickly wash it off in the sink. Suddenly I begin to see flashes, at first I don’t see what of, but then see it more clearly. It is Perry, or as he goes by now, Pike. He has me chained to a chair, back to back with a teenage boy. The boy has dark short hair, and is obviously in shock. I see that I myself am in shock. Pike smiles, pacing the room. You shouldn’t have returned Ashley.” He says calmly, with a devilish grin on his face. The next thing I see is the boy laying on the floor, his neck ripped open, the letters “TLB: MFHB” clawed into his chest. Suddenly, the flashes stop, but I for the life of me can’t remember anything other than one thing. Pike’s face. As I walk to my car thirty minutes before school begins, I can’t help but think how much his face still haunts me…
hace más de un año adamk said…
As I near the parking lot of Crystal Falls High School, my supersonic hearing picks up on hundreds of voices. As I pull into a parking space, I note how many people are already there. As I walk into the office, the ten minute warning bell rings. I walk up to the desk, and the secretary looks up at me. “Yes?” she asks. I quickly explain that I am new to the school, and that I am a senior. She looks up my name in the student records, and nods. “Ashley Garland. Age seventeen? Transferring from Santa Barbara?” she asks. I nod, and hear the hum of the printer as it prints out my schedule. “It says your first class is English.” She says, before signaling someone. I turn and see a tall boy with short dark hair walk up to the desk. “Danny, can you show this new student around for today?” she asks. Danny nods and turns to me. “Hi. I’m Danny.” He says, holding out his hand. I take it and shake it. “Ashley.” I reply. The secretary looks over, and seems to realize something. “Actually, Danny, there’s another new student who needs help as well.” She says, beckoning another boy over in our direction. This boy looks slightly older than Danny, around eighteen, and has long, shaggy red hair, and is wearing sunglasses. “This is…” she begins before the boy cuts her off. “Vincent.” He replies, nodding at Danny and me. Danny looks at the clock, and turns back to us. “I’ll go ahead and take you guys now. It’s only five minutes until class starts.” He says. After Vincent and I are handed out books, Danny leads us to the lockers we are assigned. Vincent is assigned once across from me. After getting out the necessary books and items, Danny takes us to English. “I’ll be back after classes are over to take you to your next classes.” He tells us before racing off to his own class. Vincent and I nod at each other, and enter the classroom. Coincidentally we end up sitting next to each other. The teacher introduces us to the class, and asks us to tell everyone a little about ourselves. “People still do this? Seriously?” Vincent mutters beside me. He stands up to go first. “Hey guys. I’ve always hated doing this. It’s really awkward, but…” he trails off for a moment. “My name’s Vincent Harper. My parents move around a lot. I typically change schools at least once a year. It never gets easier in my opinion. I just transferred from San Francisco, which sucked a lot more than most people believe. I’m hoping this time; the move will be permanent…” As I listen to Vincent, I notice he seems to be watching me out of the corner of his eye. “And… I guess that’s all.” He says, sitting down. The teacher asks me to introduce myself, and I simply tell them my name is Ashley Garland and that I just transferred from Santa Barbara.” I don’t plan to get to know any of these people, as I am only after Pike. The only reason I am at the school at all is that Pike likes to create newborn vampires, and the most dangerous ones are created through teenagers because of the chemical reaction our venom creates with teenage hormones, although I seriously doubt anyone in this classroom is a newborn vampire. Because although sunlight won’t kill us, newborn vampires are very sensitive to the sun. The rays cause a great deal of pain that makes you wish you were dying. I don’t think Pike is working alone. He always has a newborn vampire or two helping him. Pike is a psychopath, but surprisingly he almost always has his lackeys do the killing unless he has to feed. The letters on the bodies in the town confirm it is Pike. TLB is the first letters of ‘three letters back’ and when you follow this code on the letters ‘MFHB’ it spells out his name. ‘Pike’. This is a clever method of what he calls ‘signing’ his name onto his victims.
The thought disgusts me. The only reason I know of this is because when I was a newborn vampire, he taught me it. But that was when I was out of my mind with bloodlust, and willing to whatever he told me. That however, is a story best saved for another time. As I sit through English class, I find myself looking at the clock with anxiety. I know all the things being taught in school nowadays. It is one perk of being nearly a hundred and fifty years old. After English, I find my next subject is Gym. Vincent has a different class. Having seen the gym on my way to English, I assure Danny that I’ll find it when he comes to help us find our classes. I enter the gym and immediately detect someone staring at me. I turn and see another boy, one I note, who is much younger than Danny or Vincent. I walk over to him and say hello. He seems taken aback by my voice, but greets me all the same. “Hi.” He says, somewhat shyly. “Is this the senior gym class?” I ask. He nods. “You must be new.” He says. He holds out his hand. “I’m Harold. Harold Sunderland.” I take his hand, and instantly know why he is so skinny. He is harboring something in his blood. It is killing him. I note. I suddenly realize I am squeezing his hand, and I let go. “Jeez. Quite a grip.” He says, massaging
his palm. “Sorry.” I reply. “You never told me your name.” he says. “Ashley Garland. And might I say, you look too young to be a senior.” I reply. “You’re very observant.” He says. “I’m sixteen. I just had my birthday in July. Everything says I’m a genius. I’ve skipped a grade.” He replies. “You don’t think so?” I ask. He sighs. “I just don’t get why I’m so smart, but I’ll never get to…” he trails off. “Never mind.” He mutters quickly, and I know he is referring to his illness in some way. “Have I met you before?” he asks, and this remark startles me. I look him over and conclude the answer is no. However, I can’t shake the feeling that there is something about him that is familiar. “No. I just transferred from Santa Barbara today. Why?” I ask. He looks as if he is about to answer, but stops himself. “Nothing. Just forget it.” He replies. Throughout the class, I talk to Harold whenever I can; there is something about him that intrigues me. Yet, I myself can’t explain it, but I do vow to find out what it is.
hace más de un año FreakofColdOak said…
big smile
Dude! Why didn't you tell me you were rewriting these? The originals were good, but this seems MUCH darker and violent so far than all of the originals. Keep it up!