Greetings! I was asked to give my thoughts and feelings on Father\'s Day to the beautiful readers of
, which I am more than happy to do. For those of you who are unaware, Father\'s Day is a holiday for men who have had unprotected sex with a woman, which resulted in a baby.
Since my dad passed away four years ago, and since I\'m unable to father a child due to my zero sperm count and lack of penis and testicles, I am no longer allowed to celebrate Father\'s Day. I think those of us who are unable to celebrate Father\'s Day should be able to find any man or masculine woman and buy them a Father\'s Day gift. Buy them something that suits your interests so they can immediately begin the process of learning about you. Then head on over to a baseball game, golf course, or hourly motel to find the dad who best suits you. He or she might enjoy your present. Maybe they\'ve always wanted to be a father, or maybe they already have kids and hate them. Hate for one\'s child is a fairly common occurrence given that kids are often disappointments. Small kids especially—they\'re always poor and sticky.
Justin Bieber\'s Dad Threw the Best Engagement Party
I must warn y\'all that calling a stranger "dad" can be tricky. If said a certain way to the wrong person it can end up taking a VERY sexual turn that you might not be emotionally ready for.
Anyfarts… I\'ve decided to pass along my fatherly knowledge. Now to properly understand fathers, one should know the types of fathers that are out there. Allow me to tell you about them!
Cool dads can be seen at places like Hooters, nightclubs, or on Justin Bieber\'s Instagram. These men have invested heavily in the leather cuff bracelet industry and CAN\'T FUCKING WAIT for their next trip to Vegas. They are no stranger to a spray tan, eyebrow waxing, or declining their kids\' phone calls. After the divorce, they went a little crazy leather couch shopping, but they don\'t seem to think it\'s a problem (it is).
will always be found next to the toilet, and they are very proud of their collection of empty alcohol bottles.
Break out the SPF 3000 for this little fellow. Seasonal allergy sufferer? Check. Asthma? Check. Fannypack? Check. List maker? You bet your ass he makes a list. He likes to unwind with his friends during his weekly World of Warcraft club meetings. He has every season of
on DVD and never misses Comic Con. But unlike the previous two dads, this dad thinks you\'re pretty damn cool for going to your senior prom and having friends people can actually see. You can follow him on Twitter at @LordBeefington.
He\'s on that picture you carry around with you. That\'s about all the information I can give you at this time.
Steve married your mom and now you have a Steve. It took a few years to find something y\'all have in common, but eventually you both realized you have a mutual love for
. So Sunday nights are y\'all\'s nights! Sorry, mom! High-five, Steve!
This dad has worked his ass off for you, and by god you are gonna be reminded of it everyday of your life. He runs a company. He was the star of every sport he ever played (according to him). He owns a mean collection of Tommy Bahama shirts and takes Lipitor to control his high cholesterol. Even though he\'s not a great golfer, it doesn\'t stop him from throwing his clubs around the golf course like he just lost the Masters. Every weekend meal needs to be steak that is prepared by him on his new grill. And as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, you are a huge disappointment to him.
I\'m sure there\'s maybe one or two other dad categories I\'m forgetting, but I gotta head out to buy a Father\'s Day gift for a stranger. Hope all of you have a bitchin\' day.
P.S. To any dads reading this, whatever you do, when you see the chick who drives the beer cart at the golf course, don\'t stare at her ass, you\'re old enough to be her father.
Jenny Johnson is a comedian living in Los Angeles. Jenny has two dogs and she just got highlights and is feeling pretty good about them. You can follow Jenny on Twitter at @JennyJohnsonHi5 or on Instagram at jennyjohnsonhi5. Look for Jenny to be making her second appearance on Season Four of
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