I turned the cuchillo towards my stomach. I tried to convince myself that it was all just a dream, that I was going to die and leave Sammy, the real Sammy, alone to fight the war por himself. I couldn't do that. Of course I couldn't do that! But I wanted to stay... I pushed every thought out of my head. I was about to stab myself when Sam yelled.
”Wait!” The cry would not have stopped me from going through with it, but that wasn't the reason to why I was lowering the knife.
To my right I saw my mother walking towards me. Everything I had told myself, all my reasons to jab the cuchillo into my stomach, disappeared when I saw her.
It also confirmed what I'd told Sam earlier, this was all in my head. Nothing was real. I turned to Sam to see what his reaction was. But Sam wasn't the person who caught my eye. Behind him I saw Carmen.
”Why did tu have to keep digging? Why couldn't tu have left well enough alone?”
I looked around me and saw Jess to my left. I was confused, everything had felt so real. So lifelike. And yet... it wasn't. Carmen, Mom and Jess moved closer, almost in synchronization.
“You were happy”, Sam continued. He was right. I had been happy, euphoric even, and I felt guilty about it. I felt guilty about being happy in this world that didn't exist. A world of happiness when Sam was stuck in the real world that was filled with monsters, death and grief.
My mother stepped up in front of me.
“Put the cuchillo down honey”, she said. I looked at her face. It hadn't changed since she had been alive. It was a face where only nice, loving expressions fit. How could I loose that face, those expressions, this person for the third time in my life?
But it wasn't a person. This was just my imagination.
“You're not real”. My voice broke. “None of it is”. I looked at Carmen.
“It doesn't matter”, my mom replied. “It's still better than anything tu had”.
I felt cold. “What?”. How could she know anything about how my life was?
“It's everything tu want. We're a family again.” I felt a big hole in my stomach. It was as if someone had punched right through me and ripped out my intestines.
“Come on, let's go home”. She looked me straight in the eyes. I shook my head but I couldn't look away.
“I'll die. The djinn will drain the life out of me in a couple of days...” She looked at me as if I was a hurt perrito, cachorro who didn't understand anything.
“But in here, with us, it will feel like years”. She cut me off before I could finish. “Like a lifetime”. My mind was foggy and I couldn't think straight. Sam. My brother needed me, out there. I looked at the brother I had in here. He smiled at me and nodded, agreeing to what my mom was saying.
“I promise”, she said. She took a hold of my chin and pulled my head down so I couldn't look away. “No más pain o fear”. Her hand moved to my cheek. I concentrated and took in what she was saying to me. “Just love, comfort, safety.” I could see it in front off me. The five off us sitting around a table, eating, smiling and laughing. Nothing was bothering us. Not a problem in the world. “Dean”, I was pulled from my fantasy. “Stay with us”. Moms eyes were pleading. Every fibre in my body wanted to listen to her and do what she said, stay. Her hand moved over the right side off my face and I closed my eyes.
“Get some rest”. I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“You don't have to worry about Sam anymore”, Jess cut in. I turned to look at her. “You'll get to watch him live a full life”. She was right. I smiled at that. Everything I'd learned growing up had revolved around watching out for Sammy. That had always been what mattered. I had never imagined how it would be if I didn't have to keep him safe. I would know for sure, that he would live until he got old.
Mom stepped back and Carmen took her place in front off me. She took my face between her hands and pulled me down into a kiss. It was soft and warm. I closed my eyes. She pulled away and I opened them. She looked at me.
“We could have a future together. Have our own family”. Starting a family while hunting, was not high on my list. But I could see how it could work now. And I liked it. I had never thought of myself as a dad. I just knew that I didn't want to bring and raise a child into the hunting life.
“I amor tu Dean”. I loved her too. She was all I wanted. When I thought off settling down, this was what I pictured my girlfriend to be like. “Please”, she continued.
She stepped back and Sam moved forward. He looked into my eyes.
“Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough?” This was the same pregunta I had asked dad when I visited his grave. Why had this job fallen on us? Why was it our responsibility?
I hated to admit it but I was agreeing with Sam.
“I'm begging you...”, he paused and took a deep breath. “...give me the knife”.
My eyes turned to Carmen. Her face was serious and tense. My gaze went to Sammy. He was smiling and nodding at me, telling me to give him the knife. Then I looked at my mother. A smile was pulling her lips upwards. Inside I was torn.
I took a step back and looked down at the knife. With an expression of resignation I lifted my eyes to their faces. I felt the tears burning in my eyes and a lump was stuck in my throat. I swallowed but it didn't go away.
“I'm sorry...” Sam's expression caved in and was replaced por a frown. In his eyes I saw a flicker of panic and then I pushed the silver into my stomach.
“DEAN!”
”Wait!” The cry would not have stopped me from going through with it, but that wasn't the reason to why I was lowering the knife.
To my right I saw my mother walking towards me. Everything I had told myself, all my reasons to jab the cuchillo into my stomach, disappeared when I saw her.
It also confirmed what I'd told Sam earlier, this was all in my head. Nothing was real. I turned to Sam to see what his reaction was. But Sam wasn't the person who caught my eye. Behind him I saw Carmen.
”Why did tu have to keep digging? Why couldn't tu have left well enough alone?”
I looked around me and saw Jess to my left. I was confused, everything had felt so real. So lifelike. And yet... it wasn't. Carmen, Mom and Jess moved closer, almost in synchronization.
“You were happy”, Sam continued. He was right. I had been happy, euphoric even, and I felt guilty about it. I felt guilty about being happy in this world that didn't exist. A world of happiness when Sam was stuck in the real world that was filled with monsters, death and grief.
My mother stepped up in front of me.
“Put the cuchillo down honey”, she said. I looked at her face. It hadn't changed since she had been alive. It was a face where only nice, loving expressions fit. How could I loose that face, those expressions, this person for the third time in my life?
But it wasn't a person. This was just my imagination.
“You're not real”. My voice broke. “None of it is”. I looked at Carmen.
“It doesn't matter”, my mom replied. “It's still better than anything tu had”.
I felt cold. “What?”. How could she know anything about how my life was?
“It's everything tu want. We're a family again.” I felt a big hole in my stomach. It was as if someone had punched right through me and ripped out my intestines.
“Come on, let's go home”. She looked me straight in the eyes. I shook my head but I couldn't look away.
“I'll die. The djinn will drain the life out of me in a couple of days...” She looked at me as if I was a hurt perrito, cachorro who didn't understand anything.
“But in here, with us, it will feel like years”. She cut me off before I could finish. “Like a lifetime”. My mind was foggy and I couldn't think straight. Sam. My brother needed me, out there. I looked at the brother I had in here. He smiled at me and nodded, agreeing to what my mom was saying.
“I promise”, she said. She took a hold of my chin and pulled my head down so I couldn't look away. “No más pain o fear”. Her hand moved to my cheek. I concentrated and took in what she was saying to me. “Just love, comfort, safety.” I could see it in front off me. The five off us sitting around a table, eating, smiling and laughing. Nothing was bothering us. Not a problem in the world. “Dean”, I was pulled from my fantasy. “Stay with us”. Moms eyes were pleading. Every fibre in my body wanted to listen to her and do what she said, stay. Her hand moved over the right side off my face and I closed my eyes.
“Get some rest”. I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“You don't have to worry about Sam anymore”, Jess cut in. I turned to look at her. “You'll get to watch him live a full life”. She was right. I smiled at that. Everything I'd learned growing up had revolved around watching out for Sammy. That had always been what mattered. I had never imagined how it would be if I didn't have to keep him safe. I would know for sure, that he would live until he got old.
Mom stepped back and Carmen took her place in front off me. She took my face between her hands and pulled me down into a kiss. It was soft and warm. I closed my eyes. She pulled away and I opened them. She looked at me.
“We could have a future together. Have our own family”. Starting a family while hunting, was not high on my list. But I could see how it could work now. And I liked it. I had never thought of myself as a dad. I just knew that I didn't want to bring and raise a child into the hunting life.
“I amor tu Dean”. I loved her too. She was all I wanted. When I thought off settling down, this was what I pictured my girlfriend to be like. “Please”, she continued.
She stepped back and Sam moved forward. He looked into my eyes.
“Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough?” This was the same pregunta I had asked dad when I visited his grave. Why had this job fallen on us? Why was it our responsibility?
I hated to admit it but I was agreeing with Sam.
“I'm begging you...”, he paused and took a deep breath. “...give me the knife”.
My eyes turned to Carmen. Her face was serious and tense. My gaze went to Sammy. He was smiling and nodding at me, telling me to give him the knife. Then I looked at my mother. A smile was pulling her lips upwards. Inside I was torn.
I took a step back and looked down at the knife. With an expression of resignation I lifted my eyes to their faces. I felt the tears burning in my eyes and a lump was stuck in my throat. I swallowed but it didn't go away.
“I'm sorry...” Sam's expression caved in and was replaced por a frown. In his eyes I saw a flicker of panic and then I pushed the silver into my stomach.
“DEAN!”
