The following is a letter from Edward to our CAT members who dislike him. o a joke quickly written por me because it's been ages since I publicado here. Either way, it's not meant to offend pros o antis.
Dear antis,
So, I hear tu hate me. Ouch. Being the emo....uh, I mean the sensitive flower...no, wait, the in-touch-with-his-emotions-in-a-not-girly-way, hey-shut-up! guy I am, my initial reaction was to kill myself. That's right, in one of my trademark, straight adelante, hacia adelante suicide plans I was going to cover myself in honey, mail a note to the volturi threatening to poke them in the eye if they didn't kill Victoria's hairdresser, sending her into a rage that would cause her to kill Bella, who I'd replaced with a meerkat in a Bella disguise, 'Bella' dying would make Jacob so angry he'd go to my house to kill me, but upon opening the door he'd release the bees, which, seeing me in my yard covered in their stolen honey, would sting me to death. But when I asked Bella for some of her clothes to put on a meerkat she got all angsty about not wanting me to die, so we touched each other's faces until I cheered up, and instead I decided we should work out our issues. I'm going to give tu my side, and I'm warning tu now, you'll be so sorry tu got mad at me, because my actions are as well thought out as my suicide plans.
About the whole 'being a stalker' thing. tu need to realise something. I'm really old. I'm 'I remember when having freckles proved tu were a witch' old, and I don't sleep. I've done everything. I've watched hours of tv, I learned to play the ukulele, I got certified as a bikini waxer. There are only so many things a person can possibly do. So yeah, I started watching Bella sleep almost as soon as she got here to fight the boredom. I don't see why you're only upset about me doing it to her, I'd been doing it to the residents of Forks for years. Mike sleeps in footy pyjamas. Charlie talks to his moustache in bed. He named it Hilda. I fail to see why it suddenly becomes an issue with Bella.
siguiente comes the controlling thing. Now tu all know I wuv Bella, she's my life now and all that, but honestly, have tu not seen the girl? She can't stop nearly dying. Every time I turn my back I look round and she's on fuego o something! Last week when I left the room she was shaving her legs, por the time I came back she had accidentally slit her wrists and put leeches on the wounds 'to help'. How would that help Bella? Where did tu even get leeches? I control her because she lacks the ability to not be dead without constant supervision. tu know what? tu babysit her this weekend. Give her all the freedom tu want. I guarantee por the time I pick her up she'll need an eyepatch and hooks for hands. Because that's what happens!
So, I've explained myself, we cool now? If not please let me know so I can go back to plan A. I'll need notice in advance, as I don't really know where I'm going to get ten thousand bees and a meerkat on short notice. And I'd probably have to set the bees on fuego for them to kill me. But that would kill them, so I'll have to vamp them first, and individually vamping thousands of bees is going to take ages. So basically, if tu don't like me now you'll be responsible for thousands of flaming vampire bees roaming America. Who's the bad guy now, huh?
Edward
xox
Dear antis,
So, I hear tu hate me. Ouch. Being the emo....uh, I mean the sensitive flower...no, wait, the in-touch-with-his-emotions-in-a-not-girly-way, hey-shut-up! guy I am, my initial reaction was to kill myself. That's right, in one of my trademark, straight adelante, hacia adelante suicide plans I was going to cover myself in honey, mail a note to the volturi threatening to poke them in the eye if they didn't kill Victoria's hairdresser, sending her into a rage that would cause her to kill Bella, who I'd replaced with a meerkat in a Bella disguise, 'Bella' dying would make Jacob so angry he'd go to my house to kill me, but upon opening the door he'd release the bees, which, seeing me in my yard covered in their stolen honey, would sting me to death. But when I asked Bella for some of her clothes to put on a meerkat she got all angsty about not wanting me to die, so we touched each other's faces until I cheered up, and instead I decided we should work out our issues. I'm going to give tu my side, and I'm warning tu now, you'll be so sorry tu got mad at me, because my actions are as well thought out as my suicide plans.
About the whole 'being a stalker' thing. tu need to realise something. I'm really old. I'm 'I remember when having freckles proved tu were a witch' old, and I don't sleep. I've done everything. I've watched hours of tv, I learned to play the ukulele, I got certified as a bikini waxer. There are only so many things a person can possibly do. So yeah, I started watching Bella sleep almost as soon as she got here to fight the boredom. I don't see why you're only upset about me doing it to her, I'd been doing it to the residents of Forks for years. Mike sleeps in footy pyjamas. Charlie talks to his moustache in bed. He named it Hilda. I fail to see why it suddenly becomes an issue with Bella.
siguiente comes the controlling thing. Now tu all know I wuv Bella, she's my life now and all that, but honestly, have tu not seen the girl? She can't stop nearly dying. Every time I turn my back I look round and she's on fuego o something! Last week when I left the room she was shaving her legs, por the time I came back she had accidentally slit her wrists and put leeches on the wounds 'to help'. How would that help Bella? Where did tu even get leeches? I control her because she lacks the ability to not be dead without constant supervision. tu know what? tu babysit her this weekend. Give her all the freedom tu want. I guarantee por the time I pick her up she'll need an eyepatch and hooks for hands. Because that's what happens!
So, I've explained myself, we cool now? If not please let me know so I can go back to plan A. I'll need notice in advance, as I don't really know where I'm going to get ten thousand bees and a meerkat on short notice. And I'd probably have to set the bees on fuego for them to kill me. But that would kill them, so I'll have to vamp them first, and individually vamping thousands of bees is going to take ages. So basically, if tu don't like me now you'll be responsible for thousands of flaming vampire bees roaming America. Who's the bad guy now, huh?
Edward
xox
