BEST OF ANDERSON:
Anderson: Please support the official release, tu protestant fuckbucket.
Alucard: Well. Now that's over with. Let's go back to my place and eat my favorito! cereal- (gets decapitacated)
Anderson: Now that that's over with, let's go to my place and eat my favorito! cereal- (Sara's gone) AHH SON OF A PROSITION WHORE!
Anderson: Well. tu know what time it is.. (Rape time)
Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
Intergra: tu do realise. This is a great violation of our agreement.
Anderson: Oh. And what makes tu say that?
Intergra: Because your killing my men!
Anderson: (kills two of her men wait infront of her) I have no idea what your talking about!
Anderson: tu will witness what happens what here today, and tu will will speak of it later.. Except tu won't. BECAUSE I'LL KILL YEAH! (dramatic laughter).
Anderson: tu know what. Fuck it.. Knife!
Anderson: It’s a shame for tu lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. tu wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Anderson: Least till its time ta sligh in da nigght!
Anderson: por Jove, tu fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded por fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do tu do!? tu get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, tu kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flores myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
BEST OF JAN VALENTINE:
Jan: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Oh yeah. Where from?
Jan: (Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him) Texas! [Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]
Jan: Aww shit.. I guess we need más preyer in school!
Walter: (grabs Jan's arm) I got your arm!
Jan: (his arm tears off) SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!
Jan: Well, tu have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
Jan: Alright, alright... what tu do, is tu go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help tu go fuck yourself!
Jan: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that tu think that your titless culo intimidates me, o that tu think my boss would let me live if tu did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME!!
BEST OF ALUCARD:
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Priest Vampire: I still plan to kill her. But first.. I'm gonna kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if tu were… well, intimidating.
Priest Vampire: Grr.. Are tu mocking me!?
Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah. (shoots the priest vampire).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if tu look deep into your corazón - which is currently all over that árbol - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, tu look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because tu got nice tits.
Integra: tu need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And tu need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed por holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and más my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did tu do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Intergra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody por Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Alucard: Come on! tu were talking all of that good shit a segundo ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. por the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard: (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet tu I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet tu you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet tu you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet tu you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Alucard: (appears though wall) hola KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Integra: What did tu do?
Alucard: Alright. (Alucard over the phone) But tu can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did tu do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!!!!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst tu were minding your own business?
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in por B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out: (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Alucard: And I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I fucked your mother last night!!
Alucard: And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, por the way. KThxDie.) But tu know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!!
Alucard: Silver lining? I can cancelar my room service!
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
Alucard: (laughing) HE'S STILL SO FUCKIN FAT! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
Alucard: Walter, do tu know what my parte superior, arriba three favorito! things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. segundo is Nazis. Can tu guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: tu sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO tu EVEN READ MY navidad LIST?!
BEST OF MAJOR:
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!
Doctor: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!
The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: ...wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!
The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait camioneta, van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can mover adelante, hacia adelante with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our siguiente phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of tu have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. tu get up in ze morning, tu get into your shitty car, und tu see a rich CEO who works half as hard as tu do drive down ze calle in his Porsche. "Class Var." tu make it to vork, und tu find out that ze annual drug test is today. Und tu just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights hace before cena with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, tu find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, tu try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." tu finally get home, und tu decide to relax por vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War" starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. tu see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR!! THREE!!!
Nazi: Even Londres bridge.
Major: Yes. Yes. Londres Bridge is falling down. We all know the song.
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.